a beautiful day in seattle.

the weather is all over the place lately.
but the good news is that i'm sitting outside doing homework.
it has been an extremely pleasant day.
work was nice, coffee date with new friend was nice, advising appointment was nice.
i'm excited to hang out as rosie the riveter this weekend.
instead of existentialism, i would like to get into indigenous american literature, but we will see.
american women writers would be amazing too, but it conflicts with a class i need.
i also want to overload and take my interdisciplinary course, which goes to tijuana in the spring,
but we'll see about that too.
so much ambition, so much time.
but it is difficult to keep that in mind.

"well! good luck in your studies next quarter. i just want you to know that i really like your attitude. it's really fun and...refreshing to talk with you."
professor/adviser compliments warm my nerdy heart.

discovery of a problem.

i can't shake my discomfort with and ultimate fear of being a You.

my boy, che, minus the guns.

there have been lots of communist undertones in my class lessons lately,
which is actually awesome, because i didn't know or understand as much about communism as i wanted to until recently.
watched "romero" in my jesus and liberation class today.
i had no idea how closely related liberation theology and communism were,
mainly because i didn't know much about either of them.
certain kinds of christians being accused of marxism is interesting, but makes sense with more knowledge.
currently watching "the motorcycle diaries" for philosophy and literature.
dude who plays che is dreamy.
the story in itself is dreamy.
anyway, this quarter is eye-opening to say the least.

i need to start running again.

seriously.
it sucked so much to have to quit when i dislocated my knee.
i have a gut feeling that the lack of it has caused many of my ailments,
and that bringing it back would cure them.

i may just have to wake up ridiculously early.

and run in the rain.

on that note, goodbye sunshine.

Experience is remoteness from You.

For You is more than It knows.
You does more, and more happens to it, than It knows.

more Yous in life would be nice.

so much, so much, so much!

The weekend was lovely and eventful.

Thursdays are James' and my Friday, so instead of getting homework done,
which we attempted and failed to do all weekend,
James fixed his typewriter and we drank some beers and ate homemade kettle corn.
I've been eating so much popcorn and homemade kettle corn lately.
It's really good.
I worked Friday morning and then attempted to get a little bit of work done.
Wasn't successful.
On my way home around 3pm, there was a mini "police brutality" protest taking place at Seattle Central due to two unreasonable shootings that have taken place semi-recently.
I didn't think much of it at the time.
However, while I was sitting at our dining room table working on essays,
I became panicky when I heard insanely loud plane noises,
(and I have an irrational fear of loud planes).
I froze up for awhile before I decided to go outside and check it out.
Everyone in our court and in surrounding apartment complexes were looking out their windows and balconies to see what was going on, and it was a police helicopter hovering pretty low very close to us, because we live right behind Seattle Central and Broadway.
I bugged James until my panicky self calmed down, hah.
Around 8, we left to go to Nick and Kristen's.
We walked through Seattle Central, and it seemed like every cop in the city was parked alongside Broadway patrolling the now much louder and hectic protest.
As we continued on our way, I saw the the "regulars" were playing bike polo in the Cal Anderson tennis courts.
I've been meaning to ask them what their schedule is like, because I want the boys to be able to play during Thanksgiving if they still decide to bring their bikes up, and so I asked.
I exchanged numbers with one of the players and will hopefully hear about some kind of Thanksgiving weekend game.
Anyway, after hanging out at Nick and Kristen's for a bit, we all left to go to Dennis and Karla's "homemade beer party," which was good fun.
Each beer was really good. I got into a really good conversation about Russian literature with Nick and Kristen over a cigarette, which I always love and don't get enough of.
When they went their separate ways, James and I made our way to Melissa's 21st.
We got there at the end, so we stayed up late with Melissa and MC having good conversation,
although I dozed off for a bit.
When we were done there, we walked home, and many good jokes were made (IE: What? Did you bark?)
Saturday came with yet another failed attempt to do work.
We had one of (I hope) two housewarming parties, because six important people were missing due to sickness, bad weather, or being out of town.
I had no idea that it was going to be as successful as it was, but 21 of 27 people showed up,
and I had a really awesome time.
Unfortunately, two people we didn't exactly know sat on our dining room table?
And so it collapsed, but it is fixable! It's fiiiine, everything's fine.
I woke up on Sunday, still sick and grumpy.
But I actually got work done.

Now I'm sitting in Belleramine after being at work this morning.
Still sick, but not as grumpy.
I am thinking about and hoping to get the schedule I want next quarter,
Readings in American Literature, Existentialism, and Religion & Ecology.
I am hoping to get most of my homework done after class today,
so that I can make it to an outside-of-class meeting/dinner with my Philosophy & Literature professor and classmates.

Lastly, I just found out that I am going to Poland in August! It is up to me how long I want to stay, and I think I will stay for at least 3 weeks. My cousin is getting married (so I will experience a Polish wedding), and I will be there for my birthday! I can't begin to describe how excited I am.

End note: The neighbors are still loud, and we find at least one tarantula, AKA dog spider, in our apartment everyday.

so sleepy-

love couldn't wake me.
for months now it couldn't.
i've been presented with earth and air and water
and fire.

and i've turned away.
rolled over to the other side.
unready for lifted blankets
where i'm warm
and bury my face.

i like this view better anyhow.

bah.

i was just kidding.

i feel terrible.

my body is fighting so hard to get a cold,

but the copious amounts of tea i've been drinking say, "nope."

awesome.

although i've been in a weird middle-sick stage for awhile.

practicality needs a pair of shoes.

the events of this weekend and its homework assignments were extremely insightful.
i stayed in for the most part due to lots of reading and writing,
but it was well worth every lonely minute.
for philosophy and literature, i read two essays by william lynch on the finite and particular, which provided the foreground for mindfully watching painted veil.
there are two notable imaginations that exist in our world, and those are the christic and the manichaean- the manichaean being much more prominent.
manichaeans lack patience for the limited (or finite) aspect of human lives, and so they expect that they've gained insight by simply skipping over those limitations and looking straight to forms of the infinite, the unlimited, and the absolute (IE: god and science). they are a large part of the reason for the polarization, selfishness, and hostility that exists in present day. they are interested in self-salvation in every way it can be applied. they are those who strongly believe in separating body and spirit/soul, as well. and lastly, they are detached from the real.
christics, on the other hand, basically aim to gain insight in the way that christ did- he didn't simply raise up to the heavens and become this powerful being, but instead, he descended into some of the most intense, human experiences before he even came close to ascending. in short, christics believe in slowly making their way through the finite and the real, which is a very difficult, narrow, and long path, that eventually leads to insight. they believe in the important working-together of the flesh and mind.
i suppose i stand somewhere in the middle, and desire to be more "christic" at times, although both imaginations have their flaws.
i've laid out the differences between gnostics and christics in the way that lynch does, and so gnosticism seems kind of shitty, but gnosticism is more my style.
i was having trouble applying the christic imagination to real life due to its extreme religious undertones until i watched painted veil.
it takes place in 1925-30. edward norton falls in love with naomi watts at some fancy dinner party. naomi is a spoiled and selfish, upper class woman who has been under the care of her dad up until he and her mom basically convince naomi that it's time for her to get married, even though she doesn't love edward. edward is a bacteriologist, or infectious disease specialist, who works in shanghai and is extremely consumed by his work. due to naomi's manichaean instincts, she quickly has an affair without even trying to understand the depths of what edward does; all she cares to know is that she feels ignored. in order to open her eyes to the real, edward threatens her with divorce unless she moves to a small village with him to pursue a cure for the recent outbreak of cholera. because divorce is absolutely out of the question in that time, naomi doesn't have much choice. it is not until she (and edward) experiences raw reality with her own eyes, which is represented by the outbreak of cholera in this case, that she become selfless, gains insight, and finally falls in love with edward. she was too busy surrounding herself by a dreamy, "kitschy," life that hid what was underneath it all.
forgive me for being terribly corny here, but those essays and the movie immediately moved the peace corps from the back of my mind to the front.
it's a huge possibility that that is what i'll be doing with my break between undergrad and grad school, especially since i can't find many reasons not to.
i realize that much can happen in a year and a half though.
in any case, since i have called a zillion and one places looking for a second job without any luck, my eight hours per week of work are perfect for helping to build the volunteering aspect of my resume.
ideally, i would be sent somewhere to teach english.
although i would have to sign a two-year contract, the organization pays for everything, and leaves me with a certain sum of money to help get me back on my feet when i am done.
i also get rewarded with partial cancellation of college loans.
i have my sights set on africa and the middle east at this point.
i can't begin to imagine what it would/will be like to basically be dropped off somewhere alone with only enough money to live as my peers do.

something else interesting i found in the movie, coming from the anthropologist in me, is that everyone in the village is completely against edward blocking off their water supply and properly (according to american standards) burying the dead, despite how many people it would save and the fact that edward would find them clean water from somewhere else. the people prefer the risk of contaminating their waters, because they believe that the bodies have to be buried next to it in order to have access to the spirits. the spirits need the water, so blocking it off means improper burials. treating the spirits right means much more than do numerous deaths in this village. it's interesting to find that living as long as possible is not everyone's ideal. "it would be nice if you would let us figure this out in our own way, rather than forcefully helping us, and then pointing your guns at our country."

i just finished reading the second part of crime and punishment for russian literature. it's really exciting to be able to understand all of it in contrast to what it was like reading it for pleasure at sixteen years old. that class is also really good.

on saturday, i paid my first visit to what students call "the beery house," where max beery and his wife, teresa, live and have been putting on potluck shows for the past fifteen years. aly took me, and as soon as we walked in, i was greeted by two amazing australian shepherds, sophie and cecilia, that i hung out with for the rest of the night. as we made our way a bit further into the house, i saw a homemade taco buffet to my right. max and teresa cooked chicken and beef and grilled tofu! along with many toppings for everyone. not many people came to this show, so it was a very nice family setting. they are two good, good people and gave me some idea of what kind of life i would like to have when it comes time. wes weddell played. he is very much a modern day bob dylan with his catchy and relevant lyrics, as well as his folk influence. wes gave me his card for possible guitar lessons, and aside from max and wes, i met brad. after i played a song for them, he played a song, and it seriously sounded like the essence of the 96.5 mom station in california. it was brilliant, and his voice was amazing in my ears. he also gave me his email and says he will refer me to a few musically talented folks. i had a lovely night.

in sadder news, i slipped and fell on my previously dislocated knee yesterday, which is definitely not healed yet, and it was extremely unpleasant. just three times more bruised now and in pain.

done nerding out for the time being.

wants. misses.

- a bigger heart.
- a better memory.
- more ability to think on my feet.
- a list of all of the things i want to learn about and remember in my free time.
- a more expansive vocabulary.
- someone to enjoy early mornings with me.
- my cat or a person to sleep next to.
- a dog.
- your friendship and music updates.
- to get better at guitar. still.
- another job.
- more mobility.
- a bigger bookshelf.
- a subscription to national geographic.
- poland.
- letters.
- an electrocoustic guitar.

nude as the news.

we bought this insane table with six chairs for 75 dollars yesterday.
it is 44 x 100.5 inches as you see it in the picture.
without the middle leaves, it is 44 x 68.5 inches.
it's beautiful and will be perfect for thanksgiving,
and it makes other furniture much less of an immediate necessity.
i had my MRI at 7am yesterday- it sucked.
the loud noises brought me back to a horrifying experience i've had.
just as i was having a shitty "i'm-about-to-go-brain-dead" anxiety experience in class that same morning,
my doctor called to tell me that the MRI was fine.
ironic, but hooray.
she's going to show me some breathing exercises and such that i can do when i see her next.
work is great.
everyone around me is terribly sick, one-by-one.
i woke up with a sore throat this morning.
not gonna' happen.
miracle vitamins and lemon tea all day , every day.
super schoolbusy this weekend.

a break from the bible.

i've been reading so much of the bible lately, it's exhausting.
it is ridiculously repetitive, and it feels like i am reading the script of a foreign horror film.
so i'm taking a quick break.
my room is finally clean as of this morning!
so much more decorating needs to be done, but here's what i got so far,
and i'm pleased with it.
i love my lil' kitten friend.
amelia got me that gem of a dreamcatcher as a house-warming gift.
you should see it up close.
i've been living off of curried stir-fries for every meal.
they are delicious, so i really don't mind it.
home is awesome.
aside from the upstairs neighbors sounding like they body-slam against the floor 24/7.
the acoustics in my room are heavenly, so i love playing guitar every morning with the lights off and my blinds up.
the living room sounds beyond heavenly.
we almost don't want to get furniture, because it will change that.
i swear lighting, time of day, and furniture all play a considerable role in how music sounds wherever you happen to be playing it.
i am so grateful for my bed.
i start my desk job tomorrow, which is exciting.
today was one of those days where you decide to wear shorts,
and as you get too far away from home to consider going back,
you remember that you haven't shaved your legs in over a month.
the wind felt funny though.
heh.
anyway, i fell behind last week while moving in.
we're reading dostoevsky in russian literature.
awesome.
it makes me feel really good when i already have a book that we will be reading in a literature class.
it then seems like i've been reading the right things.
and off i go.

stressstressstress.

it's a bummer when you can't get a saddening song out of your head.
i've been trying to make myself tired of it, but it has been unsuccessful thus far.
this past week was especially full.
every doctor keeps telling me something different.
at this point, i'm pretty sure i just have extremely intense anxiety/panic.
instead of having a few of the symptoms that come along with them, i have all of them instead.
(IE: smothering sensations, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, slower and faster heartbeat, chest pain, difficulty swallowing, lump in my throat, blanching in the skin, shaking, intense chills, neck/shoulder pain, face/head numbness, bowel issues, tingling in hands/feet, dry mouth, distorted vision, disturbed hearing, all-encompassing migraines, agoraphobia, increased sensitivity to light, jaw pain/pressure, and more)
so yes, if you imagine experiencing these all together at least once a day for a lengthy period of time, i hope it makes sense why i've been so terrified considering i have never dealt with anything like it before this summer.
this is unfortunate, because i have no idea where this stemmed from and i refuse to take medicine for it.
i do everything i can to fight it though. my happiness is still dominating, which is good.
it's really weird that heath and ty have to call to hang out since i'm not just there already.
our house has been amazing though.
apparently, everybody knows everybody in our "court."
AKA the neighbors rule so far. we've already been invited to have a few beers in the courtyard with an older bunch.
it's so nice to have a bed. i haven't slept in a bed since i left school in june.
we still need lots of furniture.
i have waaaaay too much stuff and i hate it.
i just don't know what i don't need.
or i'm too afraid of realizing that i don't need most of it.
as of a few days ago, i must now learn what it's like to live on an intense budget,
which i'm actually pretty excited about.
i got my desk job, but i will only be working 8 hours a week.
the managers seem amazing though, and at least it is something.
i swallowed my pride and applied for the american apparel here for weekend work,
and i actually think i might get it.
if that happens, i will be set.

i won't have internet for awhile, so i'll be updating a bit less, but writing things really helps me get through my life a bit better, so not much less.

on top of moving, and doctors, and jobs, i have a very large amount of schoolwork to do.

see you!

someday

i won't be nostalgic about it anymore.

but- not today.

baking.

vegan peanut butter and honey cookies.
(i eat honey, although agave would work just as nicely).
mom helped me move some stuff into the new place today.
i'm pretty darned excited about it while also being pretty sad.
i will actually really miss living on heath and ty's couch.
this past month has been so good.

questions of the day: is there an es muss sein in your life? do you know what is real in your life? what binds you and what sets you free?

plato's symposium.

so funny.

jesus died for somebody's sins, but not mine.

I didn't think that I remembered much from the Wednesday afternoon bible classes that were forced upon me until I was 12.
Then it was left up to me to get there on my own, and so I just stopped going.
I didn't think that I was ever against them; I was really just extremely bored.
I just finished reading a few select passages from the Bible for my Jesus and Liberation class,
and my god, how irritating that piece of literature is, along with the history behind it.
My memory came rushing back, and then I realized that maybe I did stop going due to disbelief.
God is really kind of an arrogant asshole according to the passages I read (Exodus: 1-3, 14-16, Deuteronomy: 5-6, and 1 Kings: 12-19).
There's so much "I" involved in his commands and everything he says in general.
"I am a jealous God." "I will gain glory if you follow my lead." "Fear me if you want to live."
AKA "It's all about me."
Really, God? Come on. I'm sensing some George Orwell 1984 insanity here.
Additionally, do you even realize how many translations the darned Bible has undertaken?
Well, not the actual bible, because you see, the real thing has never even been found.
Only more translations of it have been.
It's ridiculous. Every new translator completely refashioned it to include only what he wanted to believe in. Yes, he. And those translations would only make it into the general public if what was in them was "deemed appropriate."
Anyway, to each his own.

I'm being a shit, sorry.

there are worse things than being alone.

i realized yesterday that i am at an amazing point in my life.
i can't recall ever feeling as content as i do for the time being.
money troubles and mild loneliness are pretty much all that can bring me down at the moment,
which they aren't.
i thought about you the other day.
i wanted to call and simply say, "let's start over."
but completely over. as if nothing had happened.
but it left my mind as soon as it entered.
i suppose i'm done swallowing my pride when it isn't necessary.
it's like my inner child has finally grown up in all of the ways that she needed to.
and i'm almost struggling to get her back because things feel so new without her.
i realized today that i haven't heard from my dad since the beginning of summer,
so i initiated the email tonight, although it maybe sort of upsets me that he wasn't the one to do so.
but there are worse things.
i don't think i'm studying abroad anymore, however, i still aspire to go to poland for maybe 3 weeks this summer.
i'd like to spend the whole time with him and my grandma danuta rather than at school.
i also got an invite from my old anthropology teacher to go to the galapagos islands in january of 2012, which i am dead seriously all over as long as i don't have to be a canada student.
can't even begin to imagine that trip right now.
lastly, i've been looking into woofing, which i plan to do as well. i'm thinking about iceland right now. these all sound so far-fetched.
but so did montana in my world. since that was possible, most things are possible in my mind.
anyway, i have so much confidence in my friends at home and here, and it really is an indescribable feeling.

in addition, this coming thanksgiving will by far be my best thanksgiving if it works out as planned.
so far, i've got a van of 10 people from home coming up, and it would rule if james and i could convince our parents to come up as well.
james and i already have so many planned visitors coming up as soon as we move in and through december aside from thanksgiving.
it's exciting.

i got my halloween costume today. really excited about that too.

i have become someone who needs to reduce her smoking habits- who would have thought? shouldn't have picked up the habit in the first place.

but there are worse things.

vegan cookies and burz!

things and stuff.

i have still been cooking a lot.
i've gotten into shredding potatoes for stir-fries rather than cutting them into lil' triangles.
if you don't cook them to a crisp, like you would do with hashbrowns, they are amazing.
i just finished cooking curried spinach, carrots, broccoli, zucchini, and textured vegetable protein.
sooooo gooooood!
on top of everything else, i have a feeling that my wisdom teeth are coming in, which blows.
and if that isn't what's going on, then something really painful and distracting is going on.
surprise, surprise.
philosophy and literature was amazing yesterday.
i have a feeling all of the girls in that class are going to cry at least once, heh.
it's a super intimate setting, and we talk about insanely sad things a lot, and the professor is really sweet and intense.
after reading the unbearable lightness of being, i learned a little bit more about myself,
because it's very easy to relate to one of the four main characters.
sabina symbolizes lightness, tomas is kind of in the middle, franz is more weighty, and tereza is the emblem of weight.
i related to tereza most, while everyone else in my class disliked her and related to sabina most.
apparently sabina is more "realistic," which actually surprised and bummed me out a little bit.
the thing is, living "lightly" basically translates into living extremely selfishly and following a "path of betrayals," which simply means running away from anything that gets too heavy and serious.
are people really like that? i mean, "lightness" is a very admirable trait in a character in a novel, because who doesn't ever find themselves in a situation where they really wish that they could just get up and run without saying a word, but instead feel too badly to ever actually do that?
but in real life? what about compassion? compassion is weight.
tereza is the character who basically welcomes burdens and thrives off of suffering, and i feel like she gains wisdom from that.
i am not saying that everyone should welcome burdens and suffer, but it is a sad, sad thing if running away from everything is more realistic. we learn so much less that way.
i don't know. i suppose it was an eye-opening class.