7 months.

Do this.

"in this generation, we're allowed to be alone."

good point.

bah.

going without internet for so many days on end means i should be doing a hell of a lot more than i'm doing. i can't handle being stupid-busy like i used to, and so i relax too much instead.
next quarter is seriously going to kick my butt though. 4 classes with one requiring volunteering outside of class and the other involving going to tijuana and 4 more weeks of work after spring break.
still writing lots of songs. finished one for my mom for x-mas!
yesterday was my thanksgiving. haley, sean, patrick, and daniel drove up (!) and local friends came over.
there were 23 people all together, and there was sooooooooo much food.
there still is so, so much food. it was all vegan and all really delicious.
everyone was really thankful for the event because everyone was lonely, and it felt really good.
it had an amazing effect.
i turned in 3 rolls of film an hour ago but just got a call about the photo machine breaking, so i don't get them until tomorrow.
i have so much to say, but no time. my sister comes in 4 days, and i have to write 6 pages tonight.
tomorrow H, S, P, and D are driving back home.
i have to read a short novel by tuesday.
i've got a big presentation on wednesday.
one 12 page philosophy paper and one 10 page research paper due on friday.
ahhhhhhh!

random ramblings and snow.

this was just the beginning.
james and i walked around a lot later on when it was really snowing.
our heater wasn't working for awhile.
it was amusing.
today there is lots of snow, but the sun is out and the sky is blue,
so it won't last long.
now walking around is like a death trap.
i've taken a lot of digital photos.
i've also had a long-lasting killer headache and a runny nose.
i hope no fevers are in store.

random notes from yesterday:

there are few things more free and beautiful than a clean occasion of snow in the midst of red, brick buildings.

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things to do when it's snowing outside: watch a movie, eat sweets, have sex, wear too many layers, read a book, pretend you don't have homework (or any responsibilities for that matter), bury yourself in bed, play guitar, sing songs, knit, make things, write a letter, update your journal, make hot chocolate, or hot coffee, or tea, call a friend, stretch, sit still and don't think for awhile, create a golden winter playlist, be creative, and mostly just be grateful for the roof over your head.

all of this only after excitedly walking miles in pure white, coffee shop hopping along the way.

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today i decided that if i can't find in me just one thing to write about in a given 24 hour day, something is missing. so far, there have been too many days at the end of which i felt there was nothing to write about.

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it is november 23rd at 7:24am. today is the first "snow day" i never thought i'd have. hello 6-day weekend.

this isn't my body.

that's all.

deep breaths.

i only have one class tomorrow, next tuesday, and next thursday.
the other professors are taking long thanksgiving vacations.
this is nice, because i won't feel insanely overwhelmed with these three big projects due in two weeks.
i registered for classes today with no problem.
i will be overloading and taking 18 credits next quarter.
it's going to be tough.
adam and natalie came over for a quick second the other night and it was really nice to see them.
they love it here.
in about 15 minutes, i am going to a panel at elliott bay having to do with good writers.
lots of things happening lately.
it's getting into the 20's starting monday.
layerslayerslayers.

lastly.

amelia did actually take me outside for an hour.
as a new seattleite, it was about time i saw gasworks and "the troll" up close.
he is holding a real, red VW bug under that giant hand of his.
both of these are in "10 Things I Hate About You."
i don't remember the troll, but julia stiles and heath ledger have their paintball fight at gasworks.

missing olive (and the montana family).

"ummm...don't like me."

i hibernated this weekend.
aside from saturday night, i came out of my room maybe four times.
and when i say my room, i mean my bed.
i didn't even say happy veteran's day to my brother until the day after.
i feel like a big dick.
on that note, housewarming round two was a blurry success.
i've been working on a lot of mixtapes.
i'm not asking anyone what they want for christmas,
because i can only afford to make things, if that.
and that's what i'm gonna' do.
i've also been writing a lot in hopes to develop some kind of style.
i'm registering for tijuana.
i woke up today with a burst of "let's make some changes" energy.
happy monday.

well,

getting back into the ol' coffee addiction.
and
detesting time and language.

"who decided that being "good with words" was necessary?
perhaps being "bad with words" says something even better about you."

james' brother is here for the weekend.
everything is just going to be really silly.
punk house tonight.
whatever tomorrow.
haley's housewarming friday.
chateau seascum housewarming (round 2) on saturday.
(let's see what else can break aside from an 8-foot long dining room table)
whatever sunday.
adam and natalie next week!
haley, sean, patrick, and daniel for thanksgiving!

and finally,

while friends are where it's at,
i'm afraid i've gotten too used to being alone.

ok, sorry, night.

abstract / impressionable.

i have never ever ever ever talked to someone about myself
(my life and thoughts) as much as i have recently.
and i am glad that i haven't.
i can tell that (or at least i feel like) you seriously appreciate me as a human being.
i do feel extreeeeeeemely exposed though.

i was never looking in the right places.

lil' old brown.

everyday i look at this bookshelf.
some days
i laugh at the literature
taking up space.
all days
i snicker at the notebooks.

useless.

every other day
i open them and smile.

on second thought...

i used to have motivation.
but i also used to be sixteen.

i used to know everything.
now i don't know anything.

when the little you can't stay inside anymore.

it's fine--if it's what you want.
i'll sit here and watch you throw things around
and wear the grumps on your face.
minutes pass and possibilities of breaking the silence have run out
after one too man attempts.
and all too suddenly
the little you targets me.
we go our separate ways,
sit in our separate rooms
where i scratch my head.
----------------------
i hear the opening of a door.
----------------------
slamming.
----------------------
it's not fine.
(never fair)
i'm going to bed.

authenticity of relationships / growing up

someday it will all be irrelevant.
those old age worries will no longer be worrisome.
it becomes okay to roll out of bed and nothing more.
or to wear sweatpants to your own party.
it's a sad life when the old age and absurd competition
(quantity vs quality)
won't give you a rest.
the good news is:
there is always something you can do about it.
the bad news is:
only you can do something about it.

personal note:

i have this thing with hands.

"O victory forget your underwear we're free!"

howl.

eh.

my doctor is great.
she made a lot of things make sense, which helped me get through my day a little bit better yesterday.
but i've ultimately been feeling less normal, and it's extremely, extremely distracting.
the headaches do not come as often, but now it just feels like an elephant is hangin' out right on top of my heart all day.
sometimes, i don't even get mornings or nights to feel like i'm perfectly healthy and alive,
and those were my main safe-havens, ya' know?
now i usually just wake up and go to sleep (or don't go to sleep) feeling like my heart's about to stop.
re-diculous.
my current support system is something i am so, so thankful for, though,
and if i look on the bright side, i wouldn't get to feel that without all of these ailments.
i did terribly on a recent essay.
it's the worst grade i've gotten in some years.
i'm more scared than bummed about it,
because for awhile, i've had this feeling that i was soon going to hit this stagnant point,
where my writing stops being good enough, and i don't feel like i will get better.
school is not what it usually is for me this quarter,
and i'm scared it might continue on that way for awhile, but we will see.
maybe/hopefully it's just this class, and hopefully i get a better grade on my midterm.
a lot of it is my fault.
my sister informed me that my spirit animal is a salmon according to my astrological sign.
a salmon!
maybe that explains a lot.
anyway, i'm seeing the allen ginsberg movie "howl" tonight, with james franco as ginsberg.
i can't really imagine it being less than perfect.
this is yet another mistake i'm making, because i am extremely short on time and money,
but whatever. it will be worth it.

sigh.

it's vicious outside.