i was just kidding.
i feel terrible.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
my body is fighting so hard to get a cold,
but the copious amounts of tea i've been drinking say, "nope."
awesome.
although i've been in a weird middle-sick stage for awhile.
awesome.
although i've been in a weird middle-sick stage for awhile.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
practicality needs a pair of shoes.
the events of this weekend and its homework assignments were extremely insightful.
i stayed in for the most part due to lots of reading and writing,
but it was well worth every lonely minute.
for philosophy and literature, i read two essays by william lynch on the finite and particular, which provided the foreground for mindfully watching painted veil.
there are two notable imaginations that exist in our world, and those are the christic and the manichaean- the manichaean being much more prominent.
manichaeans lack patience for the limited (or finite) aspect of human lives, and so they expect that they've gained insight by simply skipping over those limitations and looking straight to forms of the infinite, the unlimited, and the absolute (IE: god and science). they are a large part of the reason for the polarization, selfishness, and hostility that exists in present day. they are interested in self-salvation in every way it can be applied. they are those who strongly believe in separating body and spirit/soul, as well. and lastly, they are detached from the real.
christics, on the other hand, basically aim to gain insight in the way that christ did- he didn't simply raise up to the heavens and become this powerful being, but instead, he descended into some of the most intense, human experiences before he even came close to ascending. in short, christics believe in slowly making their way through the finite and the real, which is a very difficult, narrow, and long path, that eventually leads to insight. they believe in the important working-together of the flesh and mind.
i suppose i stand somewhere in the middle, and desire to be more "christic" at times, although both imaginations have their flaws.
i've laid out the differences between gnostics and christics in the way that lynch does, and so gnosticism seems kind of shitty, but gnosticism is more my style.
i was having trouble applying the christic imagination to real life due to its extreme religious undertones until i watched painted veil.
it takes place in 1925-30. edward norton falls in love with naomi watts at some fancy dinner party. naomi is a spoiled and selfish, upper class woman who has been under the care of her dad up until he and her mom basically convince naomi that it's time for her to get married, even though she doesn't love edward. edward is a bacteriologist, or infectious disease specialist, who works in shanghai and is extremely consumed by his work. due to naomi's manichaean instincts, she quickly has an affair without even trying to understand the depths of what edward does; all she cares to know is that she feels ignored. in order to open her eyes to the real, edward threatens her with divorce unless she moves to a small village with him to pursue a cure for the recent outbreak of cholera. because divorce is absolutely out of the question in that time, naomi doesn't have much choice. it is not until she (and edward) experiences raw reality with her own eyes, which is represented by the outbreak of cholera in this case, that she become selfless, gains insight, and finally falls in love with edward. she was too busy surrounding herself by a dreamy, "kitschy," life that hid what was underneath it all.
forgive me for being terribly corny here, but those essays and the movie immediately moved the peace corps from the back of my mind to the front.
it's a huge possibility that that is what i'll be doing with my break between undergrad and grad school, especially since i can't find many reasons not to.
i realize that much can happen in a year and a half though.
in any case, since i have called a zillion and one places looking for a second job without any luck, my eight hours per week of work are perfect for helping to build the volunteering aspect of my resume.
ideally, i would be sent somewhere to teach english.
although i would have to sign a two-year contract, the organization pays for everything, and leaves me with a certain sum of money to help get me back on my feet when i am done.
i also get rewarded with partial cancellation of college loans.
i have my sights set on africa and the middle east at this point.
i can't begin to imagine what it would/will be like to basically be dropped off somewhere alone with only enough money to live as my peers do.
something else interesting i found in the movie, coming from the anthropologist in me, is that everyone in the village is completely against edward blocking off their water supply and properly (according to american standards) burying the dead, despite how many people it would save and the fact that edward would find them clean water from somewhere else. the people prefer the risk of contaminating their waters, because they believe that the bodies have to be buried next to it in order to have access to the spirits. the spirits need the water, so blocking it off means improper burials. treating the spirits right means much more than do numerous deaths in this village. it's interesting to find that living as long as possible is not everyone's ideal. "it would be nice if you would let us figure this out in our own way, rather than forcefully helping us, and then pointing your guns at our country."
i just finished reading the second part of crime and punishment for russian literature. it's really exciting to be able to understand all of it in contrast to what it was like reading it for pleasure at sixteen years old. that class is also really good.
on saturday, i paid my first visit to what students call "the beery house," where max beery and his wife, teresa, live and have been putting on potluck shows for the past fifteen years. aly took me, and as soon as we walked in, i was greeted by two amazing australian shepherds, sophie and cecilia, that i hung out with for the rest of the night. as we made our way a bit further into the house, i saw a homemade taco buffet to my right. max and teresa cooked chicken and beef and grilled tofu! along with many toppings for everyone. not many people came to this show, so it was a very nice family setting. they are two good, good people and gave me some idea of what kind of life i would like to have when it comes time. wes weddell played. he is very much a modern day bob dylan with his catchy and relevant lyrics, as well as his folk influence. wes gave me his card for possible guitar lessons, and aside from max and wes, i met brad. after i played a song for them, he played a song, and it seriously sounded like the essence of the 96.5 mom station in california. it was brilliant, and his voice was amazing in my ears. he also gave me his email and says he will refer me to a few musically talented folks. i had a lovely night.
in sadder news, i slipped and fell on my previously dislocated knee yesterday, which is definitely not healed yet, and it was extremely unpleasant. just three times more bruised now and in pain.
done nerding out for the time being.
i stayed in for the most part due to lots of reading and writing,
but it was well worth every lonely minute.
for philosophy and literature, i read two essays by william lynch on the finite and particular, which provided the foreground for mindfully watching painted veil.
there are two notable imaginations that exist in our world, and those are the christic and the manichaean- the manichaean being much more prominent.
manichaeans lack patience for the limited (or finite) aspect of human lives, and so they expect that they've gained insight by simply skipping over those limitations and looking straight to forms of the infinite, the unlimited, and the absolute (IE: god and science). they are a large part of the reason for the polarization, selfishness, and hostility that exists in present day. they are interested in self-salvation in every way it can be applied. they are those who strongly believe in separating body and spirit/soul, as well. and lastly, they are detached from the real.
christics, on the other hand, basically aim to gain insight in the way that christ did- he didn't simply raise up to the heavens and become this powerful being, but instead, he descended into some of the most intense, human experiences before he even came close to ascending. in short, christics believe in slowly making their way through the finite and the real, which is a very difficult, narrow, and long path, that eventually leads to insight. they believe in the important working-together of the flesh and mind.
i suppose i stand somewhere in the middle, and desire to be more "christic" at times, although both imaginations have their flaws.
i've laid out the differences between gnostics and christics in the way that lynch does, and so gnosticism seems kind of shitty, but gnosticism is more my style.
i was having trouble applying the christic imagination to real life due to its extreme religious undertones until i watched painted veil.
it takes place in 1925-30. edward norton falls in love with naomi watts at some fancy dinner party. naomi is a spoiled and selfish, upper class woman who has been under the care of her dad up until he and her mom basically convince naomi that it's time for her to get married, even though she doesn't love edward. edward is a bacteriologist, or infectious disease specialist, who works in shanghai and is extremely consumed by his work. due to naomi's manichaean instincts, she quickly has an affair without even trying to understand the depths of what edward does; all she cares to know is that she feels ignored. in order to open her eyes to the real, edward threatens her with divorce unless she moves to a small village with him to pursue a cure for the recent outbreak of cholera. because divorce is absolutely out of the question in that time, naomi doesn't have much choice. it is not until she (and edward) experiences raw reality with her own eyes, which is represented by the outbreak of cholera in this case, that she become selfless, gains insight, and finally falls in love with edward. she was too busy surrounding herself by a dreamy, "kitschy," life that hid what was underneath it all.
forgive me for being terribly corny here, but those essays and the movie immediately moved the peace corps from the back of my mind to the front.
it's a huge possibility that that is what i'll be doing with my break between undergrad and grad school, especially since i can't find many reasons not to.
i realize that much can happen in a year and a half though.
in any case, since i have called a zillion and one places looking for a second job without any luck, my eight hours per week of work are perfect for helping to build the volunteering aspect of my resume.
ideally, i would be sent somewhere to teach english.
although i would have to sign a two-year contract, the organization pays for everything, and leaves me with a certain sum of money to help get me back on my feet when i am done.
i also get rewarded with partial cancellation of college loans.
i have my sights set on africa and the middle east at this point.
i can't begin to imagine what it would/will be like to basically be dropped off somewhere alone with only enough money to live as my peers do.
something else interesting i found in the movie, coming from the anthropologist in me, is that everyone in the village is completely against edward blocking off their water supply and properly (according to american standards) burying the dead, despite how many people it would save and the fact that edward would find them clean water from somewhere else. the people prefer the risk of contaminating their waters, because they believe that the bodies have to be buried next to it in order to have access to the spirits. the spirits need the water, so blocking it off means improper burials. treating the spirits right means much more than do numerous deaths in this village. it's interesting to find that living as long as possible is not everyone's ideal. "it would be nice if you would let us figure this out in our own way, rather than forcefully helping us, and then pointing your guns at our country."
i just finished reading the second part of crime and punishment for russian literature. it's really exciting to be able to understand all of it in contrast to what it was like reading it for pleasure at sixteen years old. that class is also really good.
on saturday, i paid my first visit to what students call "the beery house," where max beery and his wife, teresa, live and have been putting on potluck shows for the past fifteen years. aly took me, and as soon as we walked in, i was greeted by two amazing australian shepherds, sophie and cecilia, that i hung out with for the rest of the night. as we made our way a bit further into the house, i saw a homemade taco buffet to my right. max and teresa cooked chicken and beef and grilled tofu! along with many toppings for everyone. not many people came to this show, so it was a very nice family setting. they are two good, good people and gave me some idea of what kind of life i would like to have when it comes time. wes weddell played. he is very much a modern day bob dylan with his catchy and relevant lyrics, as well as his folk influence. wes gave me his card for possible guitar lessons, and aside from max and wes, i met brad. after i played a song for them, he played a song, and it seriously sounded like the essence of the 96.5 mom station in california. it was brilliant, and his voice was amazing in my ears. he also gave me his email and says he will refer me to a few musically talented folks. i had a lovely night.
in sadder news, i slipped and fell on my previously dislocated knee yesterday, which is definitely not healed yet, and it was extremely unpleasant. just three times more bruised now and in pain.
done nerding out for the time being.
Friday, October 15, 2010
wants. misses.
- a bigger heart.
- a better memory.
- more ability to think on my feet.
- a list of all of the things i want to learn about and remember in my free time.
- a more expansive vocabulary.
- someone to enjoy early mornings with me.
- my cat or a person to sleep next to.
- a dog.
- your friendship and music updates.
- to get better at guitar. still.
- another job.
- more mobility.
- a bigger bookshelf.
- a subscription to national geographic.
- poland.
- letters.
- an electrocoustic guitar.
- a better memory.
- more ability to think on my feet.
- a list of all of the things i want to learn about and remember in my free time.
- a more expansive vocabulary.
- someone to enjoy early mornings with me.
- my cat or a person to sleep next to.
- a dog.
- your friendship and music updates.
- to get better at guitar. still.
- another job.
- more mobility.
- a bigger bookshelf.
- a subscription to national geographic.
- poland.
- letters.
- an electrocoustic guitar.
nude as the news.
we bought this insane table with six chairs for 75 dollars yesterday.it is 44 x 100.5 inches as you see it in the picture.
without the middle leaves, it is 44 x 68.5 inches.
it's beautiful and will be perfect for thanksgiving,
and it makes other furniture much less of an immediate necessity.
i had my MRI at 7am yesterday- it sucked.
the loud noises brought me back to a horrifying experience i've had.
just as i was having a shitty "i'm-about-to-go-brain-dead" anxiety experience in class that same morning,
my doctor called to tell me that the MRI was fine.
ironic, but hooray.
she's going to show me some breathing exercises and such that i can do when i see her next.
work is great.
everyone around me is terribly sick, one-by-one.
i woke up with a sore throat this morning.
not gonna' happen.
miracle vitamins and lemon tea all day , every day.
super schoolbusy this weekend.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
a break from the bible.
i've been reading so much of the bible lately, it's exhausting.it is ridiculously repetitive, and it feels like i am reading the script of a foreign horror film.
so i'm taking a quick break.
my room is finally clean as of this morning!
so much more decorating needs to be done, but here's what i got so far,
and i'm pleased with it.
i love my lil' kitten friend.
amelia got me that gem of a dreamcatcher as a house-warming gift.
you should see it up close.
i've been living off of curried stir-fries for every meal.
they are delicious, so i really don't mind it.
home is awesome.
aside from the upstairs neighbors sounding like they body-slam against the floor 24/7.
the acoustics in my room are heavenly, so i love playing guitar every morning with the lights off and my blinds up.
the living room sounds beyond heavenly.
we almost don't want to get furniture, because it will change that.
i swear lighting, time of day, and furniture all play a considerable role in how music sounds wherever you happen to be playing it.
i am so grateful for my bed.
i start my desk job tomorrow, which is exciting.
today was one of those days where you decide to wear shorts,
and as you get too far away from home to consider going back,
you remember that you haven't shaved your legs in over a month.
the wind felt funny though.
heh.
anyway, i fell behind last week while moving in.
we're reading dostoevsky in russian literature.
awesome.
it makes me feel really good when i already have a book that we will be reading in a literature class.
it then seems like i've been reading the right things.
and off i go.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
stressstressstress.
it's a bummer when you can't get a saddening song out of your head.
i've been trying to make myself tired of it, but it has been unsuccessful thus far.
this past week was especially full.
every doctor keeps telling me something different.
at this point, i'm pretty sure i just have extremely intense anxiety/panic.
instead of having a few of the symptoms that come along with them, i have all of them instead.
(IE: smothering sensations, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, slower and faster heartbeat, chest pain, difficulty swallowing, lump in my throat, blanching in the skin, shaking, intense chills, neck/shoulder pain, face/head numbness, bowel issues, tingling in hands/feet, dry mouth, distorted vision, disturbed hearing, all-encompassing migraines, agoraphobia, increased sensitivity to light, jaw pain/pressure, and more)
so yes, if you imagine experiencing these all together at least once a day for a lengthy period of time, i hope it makes sense why i've been so terrified considering i have never dealt with anything like it before this summer.
this is unfortunate, because i have no idea where this stemmed from and i refuse to take medicine for it.
i do everything i can to fight it though. my happiness is still dominating, which is good.
it's really weird that heath and ty have to call to hang out since i'm not just there already.
our house has been amazing though.
apparently, everybody knows everybody in our "court."
AKA the neighbors rule so far. we've already been invited to have a few beers in the courtyard with an older bunch.
it's so nice to have a bed. i haven't slept in a bed since i left school in june.
we still need lots of furniture.
i have waaaaay too much stuff and i hate it.
i just don't know what i don't need.
or i'm too afraid of realizing that i don't need most of it.
as of a few days ago, i must now learn what it's like to live on an intense budget,
which i'm actually pretty excited about.
i got my desk job, but i will only be working 8 hours a week.
the managers seem amazing though, and at least it is something.
i swallowed my pride and applied for the american apparel here for weekend work,
and i actually think i might get it.
if that happens, i will be set.
i won't have internet for awhile, so i'll be updating a bit less, but writing things really helps me get through my life a bit better, so not much less.
on top of moving, and doctors, and jobs, i have a very large amount of schoolwork to do.
see you!
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