lil' old brown.

everyday i look at this bookshelf.
some days
i laugh at the literature
taking up space.
all days
i snicker at the notebooks.

useless.

every other day
i open them and smile.

on second thought...

i used to have motivation.
but i also used to be sixteen.

i used to know everything.
now i don't know anything.

when the little you can't stay inside anymore.

it's fine--if it's what you want.
i'll sit here and watch you throw things around
and wear the grumps on your face.
minutes pass and possibilities of breaking the silence have run out
after one too man attempts.
and all too suddenly
the little you targets me.
we go our separate ways,
sit in our separate rooms
where i scratch my head.
----------------------
i hear the opening of a door.
----------------------
slamming.
----------------------
it's not fine.
(never fair)
i'm going to bed.

authenticity of relationships / growing up

someday it will all be irrelevant.
those old age worries will no longer be worrisome.
it becomes okay to roll out of bed and nothing more.
or to wear sweatpants to your own party.
it's a sad life when the old age and absurd competition
(quantity vs quality)
won't give you a rest.
the good news is:
there is always something you can do about it.
the bad news is:
only you can do something about it.

personal note:

i have this thing with hands.

"O victory forget your underwear we're free!"

howl.

eh.

my doctor is great.
she made a lot of things make sense, which helped me get through my day a little bit better yesterday.
but i've ultimately been feeling less normal, and it's extremely, extremely distracting.
the headaches do not come as often, but now it just feels like an elephant is hangin' out right on top of my heart all day.
sometimes, i don't even get mornings or nights to feel like i'm perfectly healthy and alive,
and those were my main safe-havens, ya' know?
now i usually just wake up and go to sleep (or don't go to sleep) feeling like my heart's about to stop.
re-diculous.
my current support system is something i am so, so thankful for, though,
and if i look on the bright side, i wouldn't get to feel that without all of these ailments.
i did terribly on a recent essay.
it's the worst grade i've gotten in some years.
i'm more scared than bummed about it,
because for awhile, i've had this feeling that i was soon going to hit this stagnant point,
where my writing stops being good enough, and i don't feel like i will get better.
school is not what it usually is for me this quarter,
and i'm scared it might continue on that way for awhile, but we will see.
maybe/hopefully it's just this class, and hopefully i get a better grade on my midterm.
a lot of it is my fault.
my sister informed me that my spirit animal is a salmon according to my astrological sign.
a salmon!
maybe that explains a lot.
anyway, i'm seeing the allen ginsberg movie "howl" tonight, with james franco as ginsberg.
i can't really imagine it being less than perfect.
this is yet another mistake i'm making, because i am extremely short on time and money,
but whatever. it will be worth it.

sigh.

it's vicious outside.