it's a bummer when you can't get a saddening song out of your head.
i've been trying to make myself tired of it, but it has been unsuccessful thus far.
this past week was especially full.
every doctor keeps telling me something different.
at this point, i'm pretty sure i just have extremely intense anxiety/panic.
instead of having a few of the symptoms that come along with them, i have all of them instead.
(IE: smothering sensations, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, slower and faster heartbeat, chest pain, difficulty swallowing, lump in my throat, blanching in the skin, shaking, intense chills, neck/shoulder pain, face/head numbness, bowel issues, tingling in hands/feet, dry mouth, distorted vision, disturbed hearing, all-encompassing migraines, agoraphobia, increased sensitivity to light, jaw pain/pressure, and more)
so yes, if you imagine experiencing these all together at least once a day for a lengthy period of time, i hope it makes sense why i've been so terrified considering i have never dealt with anything like it before this summer.
this is unfortunate, because i have no idea where this stemmed from and i refuse to take medicine for it.
i do everything i can to fight it though. my happiness is still dominating, which is good.
it's really weird that heath and ty have to call to hang out since i'm not just there already.
our house has been amazing though.
apparently, everybody knows everybody in our "court."
AKA the neighbors rule so far. we've already been invited to have a few beers in the courtyard with an older bunch.
it's so nice to have a bed. i haven't slept in a bed since i left school in june.
we still need lots of furniture.
i have waaaaay too much stuff and i hate it.
i just don't know what i don't need.
or i'm too afraid of realizing that i don't need most of it.
as of a few days ago, i must now learn what it's like to live on an intense budget,
which i'm actually pretty excited about.
i got my desk job, but i will only be working 8 hours a week.
the managers seem amazing though, and at least it is something.
i swallowed my pride and applied for the american apparel here for weekend work,
and i actually think i might get it.
if that happens, i will be set.
i won't have internet for awhile, so i'll be updating a bit less, but writing things really helps me get through my life a bit better, so not much less.
on top of moving, and doctors, and jobs, i have a very large amount of schoolwork to do.
see you!
i get anxiety a lot too. i think it runs in my family, though since my mom used to get it pretty bad too.
ReplyDeleteit sounded like anxiety from the start! and it's awful! but i have some recommendations ;P
ReplyDeleteRESCUE REMEDY can be really helpful when you're panicking. look it up! also, there are plenty of natural remedies for anxiety, but unfortunately, my anxiety was too intense to handle without medication. i'm anxiety-free now (mooooostly....), but i absolutely remember how crippling it is. ugh. i don't remember how i functioned at all!
First, I'm thanking you two for being stupidly supportive and dealing with my ridiculous paranoia.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I was never able to grasp anxiety issues when people would tell me about them, but now that I am suddenly one of the lucky ones, it's really scary when it happens! Blah. I will check out Rescue Remedy when I have more stable internet. Right now I am stealing it from someone, which is kind of weird, because he can probably hack into all of my stuff. Buuut, you know. My primary doctor has been really supportive, which is awesome. Just feeling like it is nothing more than anxiety has helped me feel muuuch better.
talk to me whenever you want. i have an unfortunate amount of knowledge about these things =\
ReplyDelete