oh, and ps.

surprise-now that i have something to whine about,
i feel like writing hundreds of pages.

well ok.

something i might as well just say is thank you.
thank you for speeding up the process,
and hurting/disappointing me yet again.

it just makes things easier, and it was a nice ending nevertheless.

don't worry, you're still invited.
although it wouldn't surprise me if you didn't show.
wouldn't bother me either.

i figured out that i will easily accept the attention
and the breaking down my wall
once the person who knows how to do it just right comes around.

i've been blaming shit on myself for too long,
and i'm no longer afraid to admit that i deserve a lot better than many things i've settled for.

tonight was full of a lot of new information that just made me really uncomfortable.
buuut, i also got to say a lot of stuff that's really needed to be said.

i need to leave :/

i'm still here.

just secretly blogging for now.

it's killing meeeee.

i want to want to write!

hmm.

i will probably go back to my livejournal (username: dreamsdont) after the summer.

for some reason, i feel like it just helps me say what i really want to say more than this journal does?

or maybe doesn't help, but inspires me instead.

i haven't felt like writing at all in the first place with this journal, which kind of sucks.

i also

was asked to play several upcoming club shows in san jose by a random fan,

and i turned him down just like tuesday.

i really do hope to join or create some cool music project in seattle.

dandelions is not cutting it for the time being.

wellwellwell

i finished crime and punishment like i planned,

and what a wonderful book it was.

when i'm walking home from work, i generally take the same route,

however, i like to change one street every so often.

i walked up a really good one today.

i have this weird fascination with homes and admiring the ones i could picture myself living in someday.

it's weird, i want my home to be the kind where you walk by and quickly say, "amanda must live here".

there are so many options it seems like, but none of them have been exactly right yet.

close though.

would you be weirded out if you saw me taking pictures of your house?

because i do that sometimes too. the ones i like and that i think are too pretty for me.

i was reading through old journal entries, and i really miss the way i used to write about things.

i used to put words together so nicely, unlike i do now.

sometimes i just have to sneak away.