uh oh, it's morning time again.

streeeetch.

books are the emblem of a secret brotherhood.

my daily routine has become nothing much more than a struggle to stay as calm as possible.
everyday, i feel like i am suffering from a head trauma left over from an accident that never happened, and i just want to know what the hell is going on.
i have been to grouphealth three times and i've been told that it just sounds like i'm in a constant state of panic,
but i have read up on panic attacks over and over and they do not amount to what i'm feeling.
i couldn't be so publicly silent about it if i was panicking all of the time; instead, i do everything i can to go about my day as normally as possible.
it's not like my heart beats rapidly; in fact, i constantly check my pulse to make sure it isn't slowing down.
i sat down four times during my ten minute walk home yesterday because i was too dizzy and kept feeling like i was going to faint; my legs didn't feel very strong.
i force myself to nap as soon as i get home, because being awake and feeling whatever it is that i am feeling scares the shit out of me, and i'd rather be sleeping.
when i wake up, i know what it feels like to feel healthy for the first hour or two,
and then it's all downhill from there.
i am feeling perfect right now, and i am reeeeally hoping i can make it through one day.
i get all-encompassing migraines and full-body chills only in the right side of my head.
i get shooting pains in my wrists and pressure on the right side of my chest.
sometimes it feels like there are little holes getting burned into my head.
sounds crazy. i can't focus. and it just stays that way everyday.
i can't pinpoint anything that triggers it, which is the worst.
i just want to hang out without being secretly terrified.
i'm happy, and so i wish my body could be.
bah.

yesterday josh spontaneously gave me a drunken hug, and i actually really needed it,
but i didn't say anything.
i guess the positive thing that has come out of these crazy issues that flared up at the end of july while sitting on my couch one night with haley is that i'm letting myself have an amazing time for once.
getting drunk and laughing on a weekday doesn't freak me out.
i've learned how easy it is to manage time as opposed to how i thought i needed to do so last year (which meant isolating myself until the weekend).
it never seizes to amaze me how much can change in a matter of days.
chance, chance, chance.
"it's just one of those things."

if this isn't nice, what is?

gahhh, it's just building up inside of me how much better than last year this year already is,
and it hasn't even started yet.
my classes rule, the weekend ruled, my friendfamily rules.
there's not much else i can say.

heavy boots.

I finished Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close like a madwoman. I just sat in Vita for 4 hours before class yesterday to finish it. It is an amazing and heart-wrenching read. Definitely made me cry a couple of times, which is a big deal to me.

How do we love a world that breaks our hearts?
How do we know when something is not "just one of those things?"

Moving on to The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera. I have to finish it before Thursday.

Tea time every Tuesday in Russian literature, which rules.

jesus and liberation.

the joys of going to a jesuit school include theology requirements.
luckily, i got into one of the better classes within that realm, called "jesus and liberation."
i feel inadequate not knowing enough about any religion, really,
and so i hope that fall quarter changes this for me.
i still want to read the bible at some point just because so many books make reference to it in some way.
but that aside, a question i really want to explore is if and how atheism directly correlates with veganism.
it's going to be an exciting class.

side notes:
the sun is always especially beautiful in seattle.
smoke rings remind me of my dad.
i love the book i am reading.

2am tuesdays/2k10 no regrets

really wonderful end to summer 2010.
hop stoopid, dick danger, champagne, a lil' green, good eats, animal house, and formal wear.
i reached my limits for the first time in ages and stopped myself at a lovely time.
it is officially heath's and amelia's last "real" summers, mr(s). seniors.
classes and some brains (finally) start tomorrow.
"boom. real talk."

jonathan safran foer.

even though every day since then has been golden,
today was probably the best day i've had since i've been back from montana because i just got so much done.
heath wasn't home again, so i took over his bed last night.
his room is extremely dark, so i didn't wake up until around 11.
i went to vita for a bit and then to school to buy books.
the minute i stepped onto campus (for the first time since i left),
i filled up with excitement to start school again.
i hung out at the bookstore for awhile to say hello and chat with old coworkers.
it was so hectic. there were so many people on campus due to freshman orientation.
i also visited kara and saw her and heather's new room.
it was really nice to see them.
i walked over to peet's afterward to make an appearance, but the manager wasn't available,
so i headed back to heath's.
i made stir-fry for everyone and waited for haley, who i went apartment hunting with for a couple of hours.
when 6:30 came around, james, haley, joe, and i all got coffee and headed to town hall to see jonathan safran foer speak on his newest book, "eating animals."
it was suuuch an intriguing and witty talk, and i learned quite a lot even though i thought i knew it all, heh.
we ended up running into our boston friends there, which made me even happier than i'd been throughout the day. i kinda missed them.
it is suuuch a nice night, so we all stood outside afterward and talked about foer's talk for a bit, and then went to qfc for some groceries.
joe, james, and i all walked off to vita for some coffee, where we sat outside next to an awesome 65 year old drunk and his artist friend.
the art was amazing.
our 65 year old friend had some awesome stories, and both of them insisted that i looked like young barbara streisand, and then everyone said they could see it.
we migrated to hot mama's where another stranger asked for some change to get a slice of pizza and told us his story that made him cry.
he told us about his ex heroine addiction, and the fact that he is turning 29 and is already a widow even though him and his wife were divorced.
it really sucked when he started crying, so there was just an immediate moment of silence when he left.
lastly, we all walked to cal anderson where monday night bike polo was taking place.
now we are at heath's, and i've had an extremely successful day.