books are the emblem of a secret brotherhood.

my daily routine has become nothing much more than a struggle to stay as calm as possible.
everyday, i feel like i am suffering from a head trauma left over from an accident that never happened, and i just want to know what the hell is going on.
i have been to grouphealth three times and i've been told that it just sounds like i'm in a constant state of panic,
but i have read up on panic attacks over and over and they do not amount to what i'm feeling.
i couldn't be so publicly silent about it if i was panicking all of the time; instead, i do everything i can to go about my day as normally as possible.
it's not like my heart beats rapidly; in fact, i constantly check my pulse to make sure it isn't slowing down.
i sat down four times during my ten minute walk home yesterday because i was too dizzy and kept feeling like i was going to faint; my legs didn't feel very strong.
i force myself to nap as soon as i get home, because being awake and feeling whatever it is that i am feeling scares the shit out of me, and i'd rather be sleeping.
when i wake up, i know what it feels like to feel healthy for the first hour or two,
and then it's all downhill from there.
i am feeling perfect right now, and i am reeeeally hoping i can make it through one day.
i get all-encompassing migraines and full-body chills only in the right side of my head.
i get shooting pains in my wrists and pressure on the right side of my chest.
sometimes it feels like there are little holes getting burned into my head.
sounds crazy. i can't focus. and it just stays that way everyday.
i can't pinpoint anything that triggers it, which is the worst.
i just want to hang out without being secretly terrified.
i'm happy, and so i wish my body could be.
bah.

yesterday josh spontaneously gave me a drunken hug, and i actually really needed it,
but i didn't say anything.
i guess the positive thing that has come out of these crazy issues that flared up at the end of july while sitting on my couch one night with haley is that i'm letting myself have an amazing time for once.
getting drunk and laughing on a weekday doesn't freak me out.
i've learned how easy it is to manage time as opposed to how i thought i needed to do so last year (which meant isolating myself until the weekend).
it never seizes to amaze me how much can change in a matter of days.
chance, chance, chance.
"it's just one of those things."