kitty love in the morning.

love you so much, olive.

p.s. new dress!

everything was 50% at lifelong.

Either/or: either shit is acceptable or we are created in an unacceptable manner.

Finished The Unbearable Lightness of Being last night.
What an amazing read. So much food for thought, I couldn't keep track.
It ends with a small animal rights rant, which I love of course.
I want a dog one hundred times more now though.
I think I will just feel a little bit empty until he/she comes into my life in a few years.
I have to write a reflection on the question of whether or not the "lightness of being" is, in fact, unbearable. I'm still a little bit confused about the difference between lightness and weight, but I believe lightness refers to the way that pretty much everything in life happens by chance.
If I'm on the right track, that fact is irritating and a bit silly.
I didn't really think about it before, but such a lightness (lack of predictability/purpose) can make one feel like she has no control over what happens in the one life that she gets to live.
While she can make choices, those choices don't necessarily matter because there is always the possibility of a chance event interfering with that choice.
At the same time, series of chances create what we call coincidences.
And a series of coincidences tend to give us courage, while also making us feel like we have to follow the path that they are leading us toward. That series makes us feel a sense of destiny, I suppose.
For example, when one develops affection for someone, she starts noticing all of these silly connections that make that crush seem perfect for her. By making those connections, she is actually giving herself courage to talk to that crush of hers.
At some point, after chance in itself is done occurring, I realize that we've become fashioned to creating our own ridiculous connections thereafter.
IE: He called me at six, and I live in apartment number six! We must be meant for each other!
I'm really just sorting out my thoughts right now. Don't mind me.

uh oh, it's morning time again.

streeeetch.

books are the emblem of a secret brotherhood.

my daily routine has become nothing much more than a struggle to stay as calm as possible.
everyday, i feel like i am suffering from a head trauma left over from an accident that never happened, and i just want to know what the hell is going on.
i have been to grouphealth three times and i've been told that it just sounds like i'm in a constant state of panic,
but i have read up on panic attacks over and over and they do not amount to what i'm feeling.
i couldn't be so publicly silent about it if i was panicking all of the time; instead, i do everything i can to go about my day as normally as possible.
it's not like my heart beats rapidly; in fact, i constantly check my pulse to make sure it isn't slowing down.
i sat down four times during my ten minute walk home yesterday because i was too dizzy and kept feeling like i was going to faint; my legs didn't feel very strong.
i force myself to nap as soon as i get home, because being awake and feeling whatever it is that i am feeling scares the shit out of me, and i'd rather be sleeping.
when i wake up, i know what it feels like to feel healthy for the first hour or two,
and then it's all downhill from there.
i am feeling perfect right now, and i am reeeeally hoping i can make it through one day.
i get all-encompassing migraines and full-body chills only in the right side of my head.
i get shooting pains in my wrists and pressure on the right side of my chest.
sometimes it feels like there are little holes getting burned into my head.
sounds crazy. i can't focus. and it just stays that way everyday.
i can't pinpoint anything that triggers it, which is the worst.
i just want to hang out without being secretly terrified.
i'm happy, and so i wish my body could be.
bah.

yesterday josh spontaneously gave me a drunken hug, and i actually really needed it,
but i didn't say anything.
i guess the positive thing that has come out of these crazy issues that flared up at the end of july while sitting on my couch one night with haley is that i'm letting myself have an amazing time for once.
getting drunk and laughing on a weekday doesn't freak me out.
i've learned how easy it is to manage time as opposed to how i thought i needed to do so last year (which meant isolating myself until the weekend).
it never seizes to amaze me how much can change in a matter of days.
chance, chance, chance.
"it's just one of those things."

if this isn't nice, what is?

gahhh, it's just building up inside of me how much better than last year this year already is,
and it hasn't even started yet.
my classes rule, the weekend ruled, my friendfamily rules.
there's not much else i can say.

heavy boots.

I finished Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close like a madwoman. I just sat in Vita for 4 hours before class yesterday to finish it. It is an amazing and heart-wrenching read. Definitely made me cry a couple of times, which is a big deal to me.

How do we love a world that breaks our hearts?
How do we know when something is not "just one of those things?"

Moving on to The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera. I have to finish it before Thursday.

Tea time every Tuesday in Russian literature, which rules.