my sister said:

"the one thing you need to and will eventually realize, amanda, is this:
as you grow older, nothing changes. nobody knows what the fuck they're doing.
i mean, i don't know what the fuck i'm doing.
nobody ever knows what the fuck they're doing."
and i looked downward and said yeah, i guess...
she said, "no, listen to me. take mom, for example. i know that she bums you out sometimes,
i went through it all myself, but you have to remember, she doesn't know what the fuck she's doing! think about it: we're the only kids she's ever had. not to mention she came here from another country at 21 and had to learn it all herself. you are the only 17-year-old vegan middle college graduate moving to seattle in the fall that she's ever had, do you get it? she doesn't know how to deal with that! she doesn't even know what that means."
and at that point, it hit me just how insanely wise that statement was,
and it kind of makes everything make just a little bit more sense now.
because nobody really does know what the fuck they're doing,
and i really think my life is going to be a whole lot easier from here on out.
is that lame?

yesterday i finished two out of three film essays.
i still have one left, and will either be sitting here, or riding to the library to finish soon.
i stopped by gavin's around 9 and stayed until around 10:30.
there were a lot of people there, it was overwhelming.
the most unexpected people knew about my graduation and congratulated me,
it was really cool.
you were there, and we talked for a second, and you keep reminding yourself i'm leaving,
and i don't want you to, it makes me sad.
i headed over to aquarius to meet up with michael, lex, and luke.
it was a nice little party, although we just ended up sitting in an empty theater
telling hilarious and crazy childhood stories until 1:30 in the morning.
i wish we mingled a bit more and spent some time with michael,
but he repeatedly joined in on our story time.
we hung out the night before also anyway, but he is going to portland after all,
so i wish i gave him a bigger, longer hug. but i did snap a photo.
i'm thinking it will be really cool to stop at his house in portland, if possible, when mom and i are on our final way up to seattle.
in any case, it was a nice night.

my music knowledge is sososo rusty right now, and i need to fix that this summer.

after i finish the third essay, haley and i will be continuing our d.i.y. messenger bags,
which i think are going to turn out really rad.

ps. my work schedule is confirmed! saturdays and sundays are all mine. fridays are mine after 7. the only exceptions are coming up when cathy and carlos go on vacation and they need me to manage things while they're away.

the last half of june through september means reeeal fun.

yesterday.

it was really the best way to start my summer.
i turned in my english final around 10:30am, said bye to mark,
(and look forward to hearing about his trip to brazil)!
i presume that he's definitely going to be a significant influence for me (and friend of mine) throughout the next four years, and after, of course.
i came home, picked up my bike, and rode over to melissa's.
we both talked about things we've been needing to talk about, which is always the best.
checked out a couple of lame garage sales, but can't wait for moremoremore.
i rode back home around 5:30, ate some foods, and read a little bit.
took a quick trip to savers and found some sweet shoes and a new, much-needed wallet,
which was cool, but i originally went there to find some sort of cool sweater that i didn't get.
came home, got my things together, and left for the city around 8:30.
i've said it before, but hot rod circuit never fails to make me go wild.
i rocked my butt off on my way there, but realized that i'm literally incapable of really raising my voice.
i tried to sing loudly during the necessary parts of the songs, but it just wouldn't happen.
anyway, i got to brian's and jarred's (fred's and daniel's, too) at 9, perfect timing.
luke, zoe, michele, and jarred were walking up to the house, as well.
we all went inside and i was completely, but pleasantly surprised that i knew (of) many people there.
michael t. actually did go!
i met many new and really cool personalities also.
all of the bands were lovely, and i was able to get my dance on.
sammy, vilma, sunol, and michael s. all showed up later too, which made me happy.
john and mario, also.
i would really love to and am going to spend a lot more time there-
that house and the city, in general.
i was reminded yesterday just how many of my friends live there now.
brian and i are going to write sweet tunes together, which i'm excited for.
anyway, i stayed until 2:30, i think, although i wish i didn't get so tired.
i was seriously content with who i was surrounded by at that time.
but i was surprised and happy to find my still-existing "but i'm sleepy, mary j" playlist ready to be heard in the car, which made the drive home just as lovely as the drive there.
i miss my stony days.
now i'm here, at the computer, hoping to finish my film final by tonight, so i can be free the rest of the weekend.
aquarius tonight with michael t.; he moves on mondaaay.
so happy for him, but bummed, as well.


i plan to post about what i do every single day.
i wish i could be even more specific, but naming names can always get a little bit weird.
i'm determined to have a really good record of summertimeohnine, nevertheless.

the actual graduation:

so, my two-hour middle college graduation was probably one of the happiest and most comforting days of my life.
luke, lex, bayley, katie, toby, haley, fra, and sean all showed up,
as well as my mom, sister, brother, 'god'mother, and pedro, of course.
i know others were there in spirit!
just thinking about it was nice enough, so i reallyreally thank everyone who congratulated me.
while the amount of people there ruled, it was a little overwhelming anyway ;)
but really, here i am with four bouquets of flowers, cards, balloons, and banners-
of course it's probably not the case, but i felt like i got the loudest cheers,
and i just felt extremely special and it was really nice.
my friends dominated me with love afterward, and it was so rad, and i plan to dominate them with just as much love before i go.
although i felt a little bit more spoiled than i deserved, my cheeks still hurt from smiling so big.
my speech went extremely well, and the whole ceremony was so casual and individualized that,
for the first time, i realized just how close-knit of a program middle college really was.
the teachers called us up, one by one, with something original, personal, and positive to say about each of us, and it made me tear up a bit when they called me up.
jen b. was the teacher assigned to 'presenting' me, and the two things she said that made me feel really good were that i am "truly wise beyond my years" and that she has been "more than lucky to have me as a student, and even more, as a friend."
it reallyreallyreally means a lot for her to call me a friend- i don't know,
i just feel like that's really...big?
audrey and melissa looked absolutely wonderful, and it's really cool that i graduated with them,
and can call them my friends.
i really can't describe how much i feel i would have been without if i didn't choose to go through middle college.
i looked at the ridiculous amount of pictures my brother took afterward,
and especially noticed, in the ones of me when i was giving my speech,
that you were the only person looking down, clearly having to try not to look at me, or anywhere around me.
i really just don't understand your whole situation, and i really finally think that she is disgustingly rude.
really, it makes me feel kind of sick.
tomorrow morning i'm turning in one essay, with three more short ones to go due on monday,
but research essays nevertheless.
tomorrow i also plan to go to the city and see brian! i miss him, and hopefully i can see fra again.

i can't even have a normal conversation at the moment, my mind is so consumed by way too many different things at once.

i guess this is it!

so, it's thursday, may 28, and i graduate high school,
or sophomore year in college? in all of about five hours.
i'm not feeling as happy as i should, i guess,
as i have too much to do afterwards-
my last final isn't due until monday,
so i have more than enough essays to finish before then.
we are going to dinner at kabul! a deliiish afghan restaurant
i took my mom to for mother's day, which is exciting.
my last day at american apparel was on tuesday,
but i think it will take a week or so for it to really hit me,
and i don't think i will feel so good at first,
but i hope it really does turn out to be the best decision.
after all, i did spend around the last two years of my life there
outside of school.
i sat with carlos to figure out if helping them out at the e-lane will work for me and my plans,
and it turns out that things may just fall into place-
four to five days a week, never getting off of work later than seven,
and getting the weekends off.
i rode to sean's on memorial day and hung out with a majority of the people
i've been wanting to see, and it was just...a really good feeling.
all i've been wanting is to get on my bike more and see people more,
and i've been veryveryvery slowly getting to do that-
it puts a bigger smile on my face than even i've seen in awhile.
i've gone to the doctors more times in the past couple of weeks,
with more to come,
than i feel like i've ever gone in my life.
it's really scary and makes me paranoid,
because it just feels like something is terribly wrong,
although i hope that's not the case.
seattle is only three and a half months away now,
which reallyreallyreally is not very long at all.
anyway, this is essentially my first day of freedom,
and again, i feel like it will take a minute or two to settle in with me.
my sister and i just had a really long, all-over-the-place conversation,
and it felt nice to get things off of my chest with all that has been going on.
she flew here to see me graduate, which was really nice of her.
she also brought me coffee from the grind this morning!
i feel like i should be taking this day more seriously, but anyway,
part of our conversation was about the fact that, deep down,
i reeeally want to get out there and get back into hanging out,
but i've recently realized that it's actually a lot harder than it seems.
after not being able to do much for such a long time,
it's really tough to start doing stuff again,
especially with everything i'm worrying about right now.
i just can't wait to clean things up.
i am a gigantic and messy ball of stress:
-i quit my job
-i'm graduating
-i still have finals
-i don't have a car anymore
-my room is a huuuuuuuuuge mess
-i have three doctor appointments coming up next week
-i don't even know where to begin as far as hanging out with friends goes
-i have to stay on top of college stuff
-overall, i just have to get my life together for seattle
i've also recently heard about many dude friends of mine secretly discussing
the fact that, supposedly i have sex appeal and come off as extremely date-able?
and while it feels good to hear, it also bums me out.
i realize i can come off that way,
but when it comes to someone actually acting on it,
i cower away, and refuse to show how much i really do believe i have to offer,
which is probably why no one acts on it.
i know i can be really fucking cool, and that there are a lot of cool things about me,
and as much as i wish some people could see it,
it just scares me so much to be more than a good first impression.
this is something i really need to work on before i go away.
after all, i get to be whoever the heck i want to be when i get out of here,
and i don't want to be a wall anymore.
on top of that, i'm determined to do a lot with my summer.
d.i.y. projects are a must, developing new talents comes right along with that,
reading tons of books, riding my bike and taking public transportation,
following through with all of the plans i've already made, getting my first tattoo,
going to shows, and saving money are all hopefully going to be big parts of my summer, as well.
i want to say proper goodbyes and spend the proper amount of time
with the proper people before i go.
there are just a million and one things i am thinking and worrying about and that i want to do.
i hope this "summer of growth" really turns out to be all i am picturing it to be,
but i know that i'm the one who has to make it happen.
there are really a lot of important things about me that many people have missed out on,
or just never really care to know about, and i just need to rid myself of that,
because from now on, i want you to want to really know me and be interested in the things i am,
and to care about the things that have really been affecting me-
i offer you more than that amount of respect, and i expect the same in return.
i don't hold it against you for not caring if you don't;
to me, it just means we don't have enough in common, and therefore aren't compatible,
and i'm more than ready to finally accept it when i notice it.
i'm tired of not being able to be who i want to be and talk about the things that excite me
to people who i consider my friends.
this is really and finally when i can't be so good at giving so much time to
people who shouldn't matter as much as they do to me,
and when i need to get better at giving it to the people who want and deserve it most,
and i now have a pretty good idea of who they are.
i know, i know, i've said all of this plenty of times before, but we'll see.
i don't know, 'change', 'growth', 'fun' and 'goodbye' will be the four defining words of my summer.
whoever and whatever doesn't relate to them probably won't be welcomed into it.
truth is, for once, i'm the most important thing to me,
and with that characteristic having never been in my nature,
i hope i can follow through.

here's to day one.