i've really just needed to feel like i have a lot more privacy than i do.
i think i'm done publicly blogging for awhile.

i feel older already.

it's really crazy how much of an effect one person can have on...everything.
it's different.

a very pleasant surprise.

i came across this really cool bookstore in the mission a week ago.
my arms were full of books to purchase at one point,
but then i realized it was a bit out of hand, so i only ended up with two.
one of the books was only 3 dollars and very small-
i was quickly drawn to it because it looks super independent and self-published,
and the cover is really rad.
i also read the first page or two, and it seemed like a dream come true;
this author seemed to be doing exactly what i hope to do someday,
in the way he writes, the way he publishes, the cover of his book, etc.
it was just sitting there on a shelf, looking really out of place.
anyway, i read it all yesterday, and then looked up the author to see if he had anything else,
and alas! i found out that he was born in berkeley, has been a significant part of punk,
and now plays in thorns of life!
i won't name any names 'cause i wanna' keep it a secret for now,
although if you so choose, you can find out from the info. i already gave away,
but anyway, it was really cool to totally connect with this person and his way of doing things
before knowing who it was.

and now it's just even better.

cool.

also.

kindness is much too often misinterpreted to mean something else.

s.f.y.

ahhhh, in such a rut.
just been one of those weeks where i'm not particularly happy about anything.
not moving.
not being here.
not going there.
not doing this or that.
not them or me.
you know?
out of kindness, i feel like i should be filling every little tiny gap of free time i come across with time for friends instead.
is it bad that i just want/need a little bit of space?
especially right now.
i'm really asking, not in any snooty way.
i've had to say no too much lately, about a lot of different things, and it's only contributed to my current feelings.
sometimes i wonder if the amount of alone time and space i wish i could have is normal.
every time i try to pursue it, i think important people are secretly bothered,
and then i find myself too lonely.
there's just no nice middle.

i just wish you could simply say, "i can't treat you like a normal person when we are just friends."
i'm not going to let you make me feel inferior anymore; i'd rather just wait for you to be ready,
whether that means soon or never. i'd rather feel nothing than bad/sad.

meteor shower was nice last night. hung with birthday girl, sat on a rooftop, but fell asleep right around 4am, which is when it was supposed to peak unfortunately. that happens to me a lot, but sleeping on a rooftop for awhile was also pretty cool.

eh.

things.

not so good.

oh, and ps.

surprise-now that i have something to whine about,
i feel like writing hundreds of pages.

well ok.

something i might as well just say is thank you.
thank you for speeding up the process,
and hurting/disappointing me yet again.

it just makes things easier, and it was a nice ending nevertheless.

don't worry, you're still invited.
although it wouldn't surprise me if you didn't show.
wouldn't bother me either.

i figured out that i will easily accept the attention
and the breaking down my wall
once the person who knows how to do it just right comes around.

i've been blaming shit on myself for too long,
and i'm no longer afraid to admit that i deserve a lot better than many things i've settled for.

tonight was full of a lot of new information that just made me really uncomfortable.
buuut, i also got to say a lot of stuff that's really needed to be said.

i need to leave :/

i'm still here.

just secretly blogging for now.