s.f.y.

ahhhh, in such a rut.
just been one of those weeks where i'm not particularly happy about anything.
not moving.
not being here.
not going there.
not doing this or that.
not them or me.
you know?
out of kindness, i feel like i should be filling every little tiny gap of free time i come across with time for friends instead.
is it bad that i just want/need a little bit of space?
especially right now.
i'm really asking, not in any snooty way.
i've had to say no too much lately, about a lot of different things, and it's only contributed to my current feelings.
sometimes i wonder if the amount of alone time and space i wish i could have is normal.
every time i try to pursue it, i think important people are secretly bothered,
and then i find myself too lonely.
there's just no nice middle.

i just wish you could simply say, "i can't treat you like a normal person when we are just friends."
i'm not going to let you make me feel inferior anymore; i'd rather just wait for you to be ready,
whether that means soon or never. i'd rather feel nothing than bad/sad.

meteor shower was nice last night. hung with birthday girl, sat on a rooftop, but fell asleep right around 4am, which is when it was supposed to peak unfortunately. that happens to me a lot, but sleeping on a rooftop for awhile was also pretty cool.

eh.