i guess this is it!

so, it's thursday, may 28, and i graduate high school,
or sophomore year in college? in all of about five hours.
i'm not feeling as happy as i should, i guess,
as i have too much to do afterwards-
my last final isn't due until monday,
so i have more than enough essays to finish before then.
we are going to dinner at kabul! a deliiish afghan restaurant
i took my mom to for mother's day, which is exciting.
my last day at american apparel was on tuesday,
but i think it will take a week or so for it to really hit me,
and i don't think i will feel so good at first,
but i hope it really does turn out to be the best decision.
after all, i did spend around the last two years of my life there
outside of school.
i sat with carlos to figure out if helping them out at the e-lane will work for me and my plans,
and it turns out that things may just fall into place-
four to five days a week, never getting off of work later than seven,
and getting the weekends off.
i rode to sean's on memorial day and hung out with a majority of the people
i've been wanting to see, and it was just...a really good feeling.
all i've been wanting is to get on my bike more and see people more,
and i've been veryveryvery slowly getting to do that-
it puts a bigger smile on my face than even i've seen in awhile.
i've gone to the doctors more times in the past couple of weeks,
with more to come,
than i feel like i've ever gone in my life.
it's really scary and makes me paranoid,
because it just feels like something is terribly wrong,
although i hope that's not the case.
seattle is only three and a half months away now,
which reallyreallyreally is not very long at all.
anyway, this is essentially my first day of freedom,
and again, i feel like it will take a minute or two to settle in with me.
my sister and i just had a really long, all-over-the-place conversation,
and it felt nice to get things off of my chest with all that has been going on.
she flew here to see me graduate, which was really nice of her.
she also brought me coffee from the grind this morning!
i feel like i should be taking this day more seriously, but anyway,
part of our conversation was about the fact that, deep down,
i reeeally want to get out there and get back into hanging out,
but i've recently realized that it's actually a lot harder than it seems.
after not being able to do much for such a long time,
it's really tough to start doing stuff again,
especially with everything i'm worrying about right now.
i just can't wait to clean things up.
i am a gigantic and messy ball of stress:
-i quit my job
-i'm graduating
-i still have finals
-i don't have a car anymore
-my room is a huuuuuuuuuge mess
-i have three doctor appointments coming up next week
-i don't even know where to begin as far as hanging out with friends goes
-i have to stay on top of college stuff
-overall, i just have to get my life together for seattle
i've also recently heard about many dude friends of mine secretly discussing
the fact that, supposedly i have sex appeal and come off as extremely date-able?
and while it feels good to hear, it also bums me out.
i realize i can come off that way,
but when it comes to someone actually acting on it,
i cower away, and refuse to show how much i really do believe i have to offer,
which is probably why no one acts on it.
i know i can be really fucking cool, and that there are a lot of cool things about me,
and as much as i wish some people could see it,
it just scares me so much to be more than a good first impression.
this is something i really need to work on before i go away.
after all, i get to be whoever the heck i want to be when i get out of here,
and i don't want to be a wall anymore.
on top of that, i'm determined to do a lot with my summer.
d.i.y. projects are a must, developing new talents comes right along with that,
reading tons of books, riding my bike and taking public transportation,
following through with all of the plans i've already made, getting my first tattoo,
going to shows, and saving money are all hopefully going to be big parts of my summer, as well.
i want to say proper goodbyes and spend the proper amount of time
with the proper people before i go.
there are just a million and one things i am thinking and worrying about and that i want to do.
i hope this "summer of growth" really turns out to be all i am picturing it to be,
but i know that i'm the one who has to make it happen.
there are really a lot of important things about me that many people have missed out on,
or just never really care to know about, and i just need to rid myself of that,
because from now on, i want you to want to really know me and be interested in the things i am,
and to care about the things that have really been affecting me-
i offer you more than that amount of respect, and i expect the same in return.
i don't hold it against you for not caring if you don't;
to me, it just means we don't have enough in common, and therefore aren't compatible,
and i'm more than ready to finally accept it when i notice it.
i'm tired of not being able to be who i want to be and talk about the things that excite me
to people who i consider my friends.
this is really and finally when i can't be so good at giving so much time to
people who shouldn't matter as much as they do to me,
and when i need to get better at giving it to the people who want and deserve it most,
and i now have a pretty good idea of who they are.
i know, i know, i've said all of this plenty of times before, but we'll see.
i don't know, 'change', 'growth', 'fun' and 'goodbye' will be the four defining words of my summer.
whoever and whatever doesn't relate to them probably won't be welcomed into it.
truth is, for once, i'm the most important thing to me,
and with that characteristic having never been in my nature,
i hope i can follow through.

here's to day one.