it's killing meeeee.

i want to want to write!

hmm.

i will probably go back to my livejournal (username: dreamsdont) after the summer.

for some reason, i feel like it just helps me say what i really want to say more than this journal does?

or maybe doesn't help, but inspires me instead.

i haven't felt like writing at all in the first place with this journal, which kind of sucks.

i also

was asked to play several upcoming club shows in san jose by a random fan,

and i turned him down just like tuesday.

i really do hope to join or create some cool music project in seattle.

dandelions is not cutting it for the time being.

wellwellwell

i finished crime and punishment like i planned,

and what a wonderful book it was.

when i'm walking home from work, i generally take the same route,

however, i like to change one street every so often.

i walked up a really good one today.

i have this weird fascination with homes and admiring the ones i could picture myself living in someday.

it's weird, i want my home to be the kind where you walk by and quickly say, "amanda must live here".

there are so many options it seems like, but none of them have been exactly right yet.

close though.

would you be weirded out if you saw me taking pictures of your house?

because i do that sometimes too. the ones i like and that i think are too pretty for me.

i was reading through old journal entries, and i really miss the way i used to write about things.

i used to put words together so nicely, unlike i do now.

sometimes i just have to sneak away.

real updates.

so really i've been working too little, going to too many shows,

celebrating way too many birthdays, struggling to get around,

and trying to find time for myself and for friends with the little down time i find hidden in corners.

i'm scared because i've been spending a lot of that free time sleeping and by myself,

and although i love it right now, i will probably feel unfulfilled and sad when moving time comes.

the month of august is already half full for me, and because i'll be having fun,

time is going to go by so fast. i really don't know what to do!

today i bought tickets to see rocky votolato play in a flipping house!

a friend's house! in east palo alto.

i bought one of the last 7 out of 40 tickets.

it will be legendary, i tell you.

i've been reading crime and punishment for the last 3 weeks and am really disappointed in how long it has taken me, i still have close to 100 pages left, and i am really determined to finish tonight.

i've read three books this summer. only three. that's not ok.

i'm getting more and more excited about getting my tattoo, although it's going to be between 400 and 600 dollars out of my pocket!

i'm worried about what i'm going to do for money when i get to seattle.

anyway, i got a macbook. that's pretty cool.

i am brainless when it comes to computers, so it's a bit overwhelming.

new toys are always exciting though!

i'm making a promise to myself right now to not sleep anymore than at bedtime.

IF i nap, they must last no longer than one hour.

i've been wasting too much time.

anyway, i'm off to read. seee ya.

.

always always always on the go.


boys really suck.

and

i also have a small feeling that the cure will slowly become my all time favorite band.


until death.

ohmygod,

third eye blind.

meh.

being gone for only a few days
makes it really hard for me to get back into the mix of things.

well.

the appointment and deposit are official.

i'm getting my first tattoo on my birthday.

yaaaay.

orientation.

well, i'm officially a redhawk.
campus card, class schedule, t-shirt, and all.
it already felt like home.
coming back here felt like i'd been gone for longer than three days,
it felt like i was visiting home for the first few hours.
i'm just really excited to do stuff.
join society of feminists.
go on crazy trips.
learn polish.
live in coffee shops.
eat hella thai food.
fully take care of myself.
sort of.
meet new people.
focus on the things i like.
i am 98% sure i am double-majoring in creative writing and cultural anthropology.
it hit me this weekend just how perfect that combination seems to be.

movies are so sad.
i spend too many lame mornings crying with myself on the couch.
i feel like it's good for me though.
i don't cry enough.

i've been getting that empty feeling too often lately,
where i just want to sit and do nothing.
seriously, nothing.
i can't bring myself to reach for a book, or a pencil and paper, or the tv remote,
my cat, the telephone,
or god forbid, actually get up and go somewhere.
i don't like it at all.

i got questioned about my i.d. for the first time ever at the airport yesterday.
i guess little me is growing up oh-so-fast.
i was really surprised.

i'm back in my "burritos are the best things ever invented" phase.

anyway, all that's left is the rest of july and august.
the first couple of weeks of september will be consumed by getting ready for moving,
and then i leave.
weird.

hello,

seattle.

...

i reeeeeally want to go to the grand canyon again.
really, it's high up on my list.

i really want to go camping at least once before the end of summer, too.

i had a really long nightmare yesterday.
i calculated that it lasted from 1:00am to 1:52am,
and it was extremely clear and formed a complete story.
it was terrible, and usually i know that i'll be waking up after dreams and nightmares,
but this time i forgot that i went to sleep, so i thought it was real.
it really sucked waking up alone afterward, i needed a hug.
scawy.

funny schedules.

much of this week has been spent working, eating, riding to haley's, napping,
and riding home really sleepy and really late at night.
it's been really nice actually, heh.
tonight was the first night i had the guts to listen to loud music while riding home.
i turned on algernon cadwallader and seeeeeriously could not have made a better choice.
i felt so restricted and was really bummed that i didn't know how to ride with no hands,
because i would have been dancing up a storm,
you know, clapping my hands and stuff.
i still did what i could, and i made sure to sing very loudly.
got caught a few times, but no biggie.
it was fun. really fun. i can't describe the feeling.
and i must say that i forgot how amazing headphones are.


i really don't mind being weird.


i don't know, i wanna' go swimming.

man, i'm hopeless.

i never fail to have at least one terrible bathroom experience each time i go to san francisco.

my official college orientation is next week, it's going to feel so real and close, time is going by so fast.

i talked to my dad for the first time in many years on the phone the other day, it was a good kind of bad, and that's about as deep as i'll go here, i am truly thinking/wanting to go to poland during one of my next breaks (winter or spring), and i will save just in case, i would want to go alone or with my sister.

i'm getting really tired of how many people i've noticed butting heads with me in competitions i'm not part of and will make sure to never be part of, it's awkward, unnecessary, and too many days have consisted of me not having any idea how to respond to anyone due to the fact that i'm too busy thinking "hmmm, did they really just say that?", and it's getting a little out of hand, relax is really all i've got.

i almost never listen to music anymore, it's been much too long since i've updated my collection, so i began working on that today and plan to get on it, very into folky things.

i guess it's nice that i don't have an addictive personality, at all, but i feel like it holds me back from a lot of things.

i was asked to play a show on a tuesday coming up, and i actually said no, the songs are all extremely personal, and although i'd love to share them live, it reeeeally gets to me when they don't come out the way they're supposed to, which they never do, and it sucks that i feel this way.

as soon as i get free time, i am going to make my tattoo appointment, i just don't know when that will be, blah.

i still have as hard of a time as ever believing people.

today i made myself a peanut butter, cucumber, onion, and spinach sammich on wheat bread, and before you go and be all judgemental, i really suggest you try it.

there is sososososo much i desire to do, but time, i hate yoooou time, i just need to be patient, i will do them, in time.

...

writing a bunch of dumb little songs,
struggling with how many people i really want to make time for,
hating myself for not succeeding,
wondering if you still ever think about me,
and you and you,
missing too many people,
(im)patiently waiting,
riding/walking to the death,
feels like literally,
not caring about certain things,
caring a lot about others,
overanalyzing weird situations,
keeping quiet,
sleeping too much,
winding down.

not knowing what time it is.

4th of july was nice.

did you know that there was a personality in there?

i missed you and wanted you there.

too much.

there's only one of meeeeeeee.