going back to "secretly" blogging.

lots of self-hatred lately. lots more i'd like to do with a blog.
i don't feel good enough or smart enough yet, and this hasn't lived up to what i had intended.
it's hard to explain. something is just missing.
i have many self-improvement plans for next summer.
they involve lots and lots and lots of reading and health,
two things that i don't have time for during the school year.
but i can't wait. leaving my teens will be prime time to change.
for the better.

7 months.

Do this.

"in this generation, we're allowed to be alone."

good point.

bah.

going without internet for so many days on end means i should be doing a hell of a lot more than i'm doing. i can't handle being stupid-busy like i used to, and so i relax too much instead.
next quarter is seriously going to kick my butt though. 4 classes with one requiring volunteering outside of class and the other involving going to tijuana and 4 more weeks of work after spring break.
still writing lots of songs. finished one for my mom for x-mas!
yesterday was my thanksgiving. haley, sean, patrick, and daniel drove up (!) and local friends came over.
there were 23 people all together, and there was sooooooooo much food.
there still is so, so much food. it was all vegan and all really delicious.
everyone was really thankful for the event because everyone was lonely, and it felt really good.
it had an amazing effect.
i turned in 3 rolls of film an hour ago but just got a call about the photo machine breaking, so i don't get them until tomorrow.
i have so much to say, but no time. my sister comes in 4 days, and i have to write 6 pages tonight.
tomorrow H, S, P, and D are driving back home.
i have to read a short novel by tuesday.
i've got a big presentation on wednesday.
one 12 page philosophy paper and one 10 page research paper due on friday.
ahhhhhhh!

random ramblings and snow.

this was just the beginning.
james and i walked around a lot later on when it was really snowing.
our heater wasn't working for awhile.
it was amusing.
today there is lots of snow, but the sun is out and the sky is blue,
so it won't last long.
now walking around is like a death trap.
i've taken a lot of digital photos.
i've also had a long-lasting killer headache and a runny nose.
i hope no fevers are in store.

random notes from yesterday:

there are few things more free and beautiful than a clean occasion of snow in the midst of red, brick buildings.

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things to do when it's snowing outside: watch a movie, eat sweets, have sex, wear too many layers, read a book, pretend you don't have homework (or any responsibilities for that matter), bury yourself in bed, play guitar, sing songs, knit, make things, write a letter, update your journal, make hot chocolate, or hot coffee, or tea, call a friend, stretch, sit still and don't think for awhile, create a golden winter playlist, be creative, and mostly just be grateful for the roof over your head.

all of this only after excitedly walking miles in pure white, coffee shop hopping along the way.

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today i decided that if i can't find in me just one thing to write about in a given 24 hour day, something is missing. so far, there have been too many days at the end of which i felt there was nothing to write about.

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it is november 23rd at 7:24am. today is the first "snow day" i never thought i'd have. hello 6-day weekend.

this isn't my body.

that's all.

deep breaths.

i only have one class tomorrow, next tuesday, and next thursday.
the other professors are taking long thanksgiving vacations.
this is nice, because i won't feel insanely overwhelmed with these three big projects due in two weeks.
i registered for classes today with no problem.
i will be overloading and taking 18 credits next quarter.
it's going to be tough.
adam and natalie came over for a quick second the other night and it was really nice to see them.
they love it here.
in about 15 minutes, i am going to a panel at elliott bay having to do with good writers.
lots of things happening lately.
it's getting into the 20's starting monday.
layerslayerslayers.

lastly.

amelia did actually take me outside for an hour.
as a new seattleite, it was about time i saw gasworks and "the troll" up close.
he is holding a real, red VW bug under that giant hand of his.
both of these are in "10 Things I Hate About You."
i don't remember the troll, but julia stiles and heath ledger have their paintball fight at gasworks.

missing olive (and the montana family).

"ummm...don't like me."

i hibernated this weekend.
aside from saturday night, i came out of my room maybe four times.
and when i say my room, i mean my bed.
i didn't even say happy veteran's day to my brother until the day after.
i feel like a big dick.
on that note, housewarming round two was a blurry success.
i've been working on a lot of mixtapes.
i'm not asking anyone what they want for christmas,
because i can only afford to make things, if that.
and that's what i'm gonna' do.
i've also been writing a lot in hopes to develop some kind of style.
i'm registering for tijuana.
i woke up today with a burst of "let's make some changes" energy.
happy monday.

well,

getting back into the ol' coffee addiction.
and
detesting time and language.

"who decided that being "good with words" was necessary?
perhaps being "bad with words" says something even better about you."

james' brother is here for the weekend.
everything is just going to be really silly.
punk house tonight.
whatever tomorrow.
haley's housewarming friday.
chateau seascum housewarming (round 2) on saturday.
(let's see what else can break aside from an 8-foot long dining room table)
whatever sunday.
adam and natalie next week!
haley, sean, patrick, and daniel for thanksgiving!

and finally,

while friends are where it's at,
i'm afraid i've gotten too used to being alone.

ok, sorry, night.

abstract / impressionable.

i have never ever ever ever talked to someone about myself
(my life and thoughts) as much as i have recently.
and i am glad that i haven't.
i can tell that (or at least i feel like) you seriously appreciate me as a human being.
i do feel extreeeeeeemely exposed though.

i was never looking in the right places.

lil' old brown.

everyday i look at this bookshelf.
some days
i laugh at the literature
taking up space.
all days
i snicker at the notebooks.

useless.

every other day
i open them and smile.

on second thought...

i used to have motivation.
but i also used to be sixteen.

i used to know everything.
now i don't know anything.

when the little you can't stay inside anymore.

it's fine--if it's what you want.
i'll sit here and watch you throw things around
and wear the grumps on your face.
minutes pass and possibilities of breaking the silence have run out
after one too man attempts.
and all too suddenly
the little you targets me.
we go our separate ways,
sit in our separate rooms
where i scratch my head.
----------------------
i hear the opening of a door.
----------------------
slamming.
----------------------
it's not fine.
(never fair)
i'm going to bed.

authenticity of relationships / growing up

someday it will all be irrelevant.
those old age worries will no longer be worrisome.
it becomes okay to roll out of bed and nothing more.
or to wear sweatpants to your own party.
it's a sad life when the old age and absurd competition
(quantity vs quality)
won't give you a rest.
the good news is:
there is always something you can do about it.
the bad news is:
only you can do something about it.

personal note:

i have this thing with hands.

"O victory forget your underwear we're free!"

howl.

eh.

my doctor is great.
she made a lot of things make sense, which helped me get through my day a little bit better yesterday.
but i've ultimately been feeling less normal, and it's extremely, extremely distracting.
the headaches do not come as often, but now it just feels like an elephant is hangin' out right on top of my heart all day.
sometimes, i don't even get mornings or nights to feel like i'm perfectly healthy and alive,
and those were my main safe-havens, ya' know?
now i usually just wake up and go to sleep (or don't go to sleep) feeling like my heart's about to stop.
re-diculous.
my current support system is something i am so, so thankful for, though,
and if i look on the bright side, i wouldn't get to feel that without all of these ailments.
i did terribly on a recent essay.
it's the worst grade i've gotten in some years.
i'm more scared than bummed about it,
because for awhile, i've had this feeling that i was soon going to hit this stagnant point,
where my writing stops being good enough, and i don't feel like i will get better.
school is not what it usually is for me this quarter,
and i'm scared it might continue on that way for awhile, but we will see.
maybe/hopefully it's just this class, and hopefully i get a better grade on my midterm.
a lot of it is my fault.
my sister informed me that my spirit animal is a salmon according to my astrological sign.
a salmon!
maybe that explains a lot.
anyway, i'm seeing the allen ginsberg movie "howl" tonight, with james franco as ginsberg.
i can't really imagine it being less than perfect.
this is yet another mistake i'm making, because i am extremely short on time and money,
but whatever. it will be worth it.

sigh.

it's vicious outside.

a beautiful day in seattle.

the weather is all over the place lately.
but the good news is that i'm sitting outside doing homework.
it has been an extremely pleasant day.
work was nice, coffee date with new friend was nice, advising appointment was nice.
i'm excited to hang out as rosie the riveter this weekend.
instead of existentialism, i would like to get into indigenous american literature, but we will see.
american women writers would be amazing too, but it conflicts with a class i need.
i also want to overload and take my interdisciplinary course, which goes to tijuana in the spring,
but we'll see about that too.
so much ambition, so much time.
but it is difficult to keep that in mind.

"well! good luck in your studies next quarter. i just want you to know that i really like your attitude. it's really fun and...refreshing to talk with you."
professor/adviser compliments warm my nerdy heart.

discovery of a problem.

i can't shake my discomfort with and ultimate fear of being a You.

my boy, che, minus the guns.

there have been lots of communist undertones in my class lessons lately,
which is actually awesome, because i didn't know or understand as much about communism as i wanted to until recently.
watched "romero" in my jesus and liberation class today.
i had no idea how closely related liberation theology and communism were,
mainly because i didn't know much about either of them.
certain kinds of christians being accused of marxism is interesting, but makes sense with more knowledge.
currently watching "the motorcycle diaries" for philosophy and literature.
dude who plays che is dreamy.
the story in itself is dreamy.
anyway, this quarter is eye-opening to say the least.

i need to start running again.

seriously.
it sucked so much to have to quit when i dislocated my knee.
i have a gut feeling that the lack of it has caused many of my ailments,
and that bringing it back would cure them.

i may just have to wake up ridiculously early.

and run in the rain.

on that note, goodbye sunshine.

Experience is remoteness from You.

For You is more than It knows.
You does more, and more happens to it, than It knows.

more Yous in life would be nice.

so much, so much, so much!

The weekend was lovely and eventful.

Thursdays are James' and my Friday, so instead of getting homework done,
which we attempted and failed to do all weekend,
James fixed his typewriter and we drank some beers and ate homemade kettle corn.
I've been eating so much popcorn and homemade kettle corn lately.
It's really good.
I worked Friday morning and then attempted to get a little bit of work done.
Wasn't successful.
On my way home around 3pm, there was a mini "police brutality" protest taking place at Seattle Central due to two unreasonable shootings that have taken place semi-recently.
I didn't think much of it at the time.
However, while I was sitting at our dining room table working on essays,
I became panicky when I heard insanely loud plane noises,
(and I have an irrational fear of loud planes).
I froze up for awhile before I decided to go outside and check it out.
Everyone in our court and in surrounding apartment complexes were looking out their windows and balconies to see what was going on, and it was a police helicopter hovering pretty low very close to us, because we live right behind Seattle Central and Broadway.
I bugged James until my panicky self calmed down, hah.
Around 8, we left to go to Nick and Kristen's.
We walked through Seattle Central, and it seemed like every cop in the city was parked alongside Broadway patrolling the now much louder and hectic protest.
As we continued on our way, I saw the the "regulars" were playing bike polo in the Cal Anderson tennis courts.
I've been meaning to ask them what their schedule is like, because I want the boys to be able to play during Thanksgiving if they still decide to bring their bikes up, and so I asked.
I exchanged numbers with one of the players and will hopefully hear about some kind of Thanksgiving weekend game.
Anyway, after hanging out at Nick and Kristen's for a bit, we all left to go to Dennis and Karla's "homemade beer party," which was good fun.
Each beer was really good. I got into a really good conversation about Russian literature with Nick and Kristen over a cigarette, which I always love and don't get enough of.
When they went their separate ways, James and I made our way to Melissa's 21st.
We got there at the end, so we stayed up late with Melissa and MC having good conversation,
although I dozed off for a bit.
When we were done there, we walked home, and many good jokes were made (IE: What? Did you bark?)
Saturday came with yet another failed attempt to do work.
We had one of (I hope) two housewarming parties, because six important people were missing due to sickness, bad weather, or being out of town.
I had no idea that it was going to be as successful as it was, but 21 of 27 people showed up,
and I had a really awesome time.
Unfortunately, two people we didn't exactly know sat on our dining room table?
And so it collapsed, but it is fixable! It's fiiiine, everything's fine.
I woke up on Sunday, still sick and grumpy.
But I actually got work done.

Now I'm sitting in Belleramine after being at work this morning.
Still sick, but not as grumpy.
I am thinking about and hoping to get the schedule I want next quarter,
Readings in American Literature, Existentialism, and Religion & Ecology.
I am hoping to get most of my homework done after class today,
so that I can make it to an outside-of-class meeting/dinner with my Philosophy & Literature professor and classmates.

Lastly, I just found out that I am going to Poland in August! It is up to me how long I want to stay, and I think I will stay for at least 3 weeks. My cousin is getting married (so I will experience a Polish wedding), and I will be there for my birthday! I can't begin to describe how excited I am.

End note: The neighbors are still loud, and we find at least one tarantula, AKA dog spider, in our apartment everyday.

so sleepy-

love couldn't wake me.
for months now it couldn't.
i've been presented with earth and air and water
and fire.

and i've turned away.
rolled over to the other side.
unready for lifted blankets
where i'm warm
and bury my face.

i like this view better anyhow.

bah.

i was just kidding.

i feel terrible.

my body is fighting so hard to get a cold,

but the copious amounts of tea i've been drinking say, "nope."

awesome.

although i've been in a weird middle-sick stage for awhile.

practicality needs a pair of shoes.

the events of this weekend and its homework assignments were extremely insightful.
i stayed in for the most part due to lots of reading and writing,
but it was well worth every lonely minute.
for philosophy and literature, i read two essays by william lynch on the finite and particular, which provided the foreground for mindfully watching painted veil.
there are two notable imaginations that exist in our world, and those are the christic and the manichaean- the manichaean being much more prominent.
manichaeans lack patience for the limited (or finite) aspect of human lives, and so they expect that they've gained insight by simply skipping over those limitations and looking straight to forms of the infinite, the unlimited, and the absolute (IE: god and science). they are a large part of the reason for the polarization, selfishness, and hostility that exists in present day. they are interested in self-salvation in every way it can be applied. they are those who strongly believe in separating body and spirit/soul, as well. and lastly, they are detached from the real.
christics, on the other hand, basically aim to gain insight in the way that christ did- he didn't simply raise up to the heavens and become this powerful being, but instead, he descended into some of the most intense, human experiences before he even came close to ascending. in short, christics believe in slowly making their way through the finite and the real, which is a very difficult, narrow, and long path, that eventually leads to insight. they believe in the important working-together of the flesh and mind.
i suppose i stand somewhere in the middle, and desire to be more "christic" at times, although both imaginations have their flaws.
i've laid out the differences between gnostics and christics in the way that lynch does, and so gnosticism seems kind of shitty, but gnosticism is more my style.
i was having trouble applying the christic imagination to real life due to its extreme religious undertones until i watched painted veil.
it takes place in 1925-30. edward norton falls in love with naomi watts at some fancy dinner party. naomi is a spoiled and selfish, upper class woman who has been under the care of her dad up until he and her mom basically convince naomi that it's time for her to get married, even though she doesn't love edward. edward is a bacteriologist, or infectious disease specialist, who works in shanghai and is extremely consumed by his work. due to naomi's manichaean instincts, she quickly has an affair without even trying to understand the depths of what edward does; all she cares to know is that she feels ignored. in order to open her eyes to the real, edward threatens her with divorce unless she moves to a small village with him to pursue a cure for the recent outbreak of cholera. because divorce is absolutely out of the question in that time, naomi doesn't have much choice. it is not until she (and edward) experiences raw reality with her own eyes, which is represented by the outbreak of cholera in this case, that she become selfless, gains insight, and finally falls in love with edward. she was too busy surrounding herself by a dreamy, "kitschy," life that hid what was underneath it all.
forgive me for being terribly corny here, but those essays and the movie immediately moved the peace corps from the back of my mind to the front.
it's a huge possibility that that is what i'll be doing with my break between undergrad and grad school, especially since i can't find many reasons not to.
i realize that much can happen in a year and a half though.
in any case, since i have called a zillion and one places looking for a second job without any luck, my eight hours per week of work are perfect for helping to build the volunteering aspect of my resume.
ideally, i would be sent somewhere to teach english.
although i would have to sign a two-year contract, the organization pays for everything, and leaves me with a certain sum of money to help get me back on my feet when i am done.
i also get rewarded with partial cancellation of college loans.
i have my sights set on africa and the middle east at this point.
i can't begin to imagine what it would/will be like to basically be dropped off somewhere alone with only enough money to live as my peers do.

something else interesting i found in the movie, coming from the anthropologist in me, is that everyone in the village is completely against edward blocking off their water supply and properly (according to american standards) burying the dead, despite how many people it would save and the fact that edward would find them clean water from somewhere else. the people prefer the risk of contaminating their waters, because they believe that the bodies have to be buried next to it in order to have access to the spirits. the spirits need the water, so blocking it off means improper burials. treating the spirits right means much more than do numerous deaths in this village. it's interesting to find that living as long as possible is not everyone's ideal. "it would be nice if you would let us figure this out in our own way, rather than forcefully helping us, and then pointing your guns at our country."

i just finished reading the second part of crime and punishment for russian literature. it's really exciting to be able to understand all of it in contrast to what it was like reading it for pleasure at sixteen years old. that class is also really good.

on saturday, i paid my first visit to what students call "the beery house," where max beery and his wife, teresa, live and have been putting on potluck shows for the past fifteen years. aly took me, and as soon as we walked in, i was greeted by two amazing australian shepherds, sophie and cecilia, that i hung out with for the rest of the night. as we made our way a bit further into the house, i saw a homemade taco buffet to my right. max and teresa cooked chicken and beef and grilled tofu! along with many toppings for everyone. not many people came to this show, so it was a very nice family setting. they are two good, good people and gave me some idea of what kind of life i would like to have when it comes time. wes weddell played. he is very much a modern day bob dylan with his catchy and relevant lyrics, as well as his folk influence. wes gave me his card for possible guitar lessons, and aside from max and wes, i met brad. after i played a song for them, he played a song, and it seriously sounded like the essence of the 96.5 mom station in california. it was brilliant, and his voice was amazing in my ears. he also gave me his email and says he will refer me to a few musically talented folks. i had a lovely night.

in sadder news, i slipped and fell on my previously dislocated knee yesterday, which is definitely not healed yet, and it was extremely unpleasant. just three times more bruised now and in pain.

done nerding out for the time being.

wants. misses.

- a bigger heart.
- a better memory.
- more ability to think on my feet.
- a list of all of the things i want to learn about and remember in my free time.
- a more expansive vocabulary.
- someone to enjoy early mornings with me.
- my cat or a person to sleep next to.
- a dog.
- your friendship and music updates.
- to get better at guitar. still.
- another job.
- more mobility.
- a bigger bookshelf.
- a subscription to national geographic.
- poland.
- letters.
- an electrocoustic guitar.

nude as the news.

we bought this insane table with six chairs for 75 dollars yesterday.
it is 44 x 100.5 inches as you see it in the picture.
without the middle leaves, it is 44 x 68.5 inches.
it's beautiful and will be perfect for thanksgiving,
and it makes other furniture much less of an immediate necessity.
i had my MRI at 7am yesterday- it sucked.
the loud noises brought me back to a horrifying experience i've had.
just as i was having a shitty "i'm-about-to-go-brain-dead" anxiety experience in class that same morning,
my doctor called to tell me that the MRI was fine.
ironic, but hooray.
she's going to show me some breathing exercises and such that i can do when i see her next.
work is great.
everyone around me is terribly sick, one-by-one.
i woke up with a sore throat this morning.
not gonna' happen.
miracle vitamins and lemon tea all day , every day.
super schoolbusy this weekend.

a break from the bible.

i've been reading so much of the bible lately, it's exhausting.
it is ridiculously repetitive, and it feels like i am reading the script of a foreign horror film.
so i'm taking a quick break.
my room is finally clean as of this morning!
so much more decorating needs to be done, but here's what i got so far,
and i'm pleased with it.
i love my lil' kitten friend.
amelia got me that gem of a dreamcatcher as a house-warming gift.
you should see it up close.
i've been living off of curried stir-fries for every meal.
they are delicious, so i really don't mind it.
home is awesome.
aside from the upstairs neighbors sounding like they body-slam against the floor 24/7.
the acoustics in my room are heavenly, so i love playing guitar every morning with the lights off and my blinds up.
the living room sounds beyond heavenly.
we almost don't want to get furniture, because it will change that.
i swear lighting, time of day, and furniture all play a considerable role in how music sounds wherever you happen to be playing it.
i am so grateful for my bed.
i start my desk job tomorrow, which is exciting.
today was one of those days where you decide to wear shorts,
and as you get too far away from home to consider going back,
you remember that you haven't shaved your legs in over a month.
the wind felt funny though.
heh.
anyway, i fell behind last week while moving in.
we're reading dostoevsky in russian literature.
awesome.
it makes me feel really good when i already have a book that we will be reading in a literature class.
it then seems like i've been reading the right things.
and off i go.

stressstressstress.

it's a bummer when you can't get a saddening song out of your head.
i've been trying to make myself tired of it, but it has been unsuccessful thus far.
this past week was especially full.
every doctor keeps telling me something different.
at this point, i'm pretty sure i just have extremely intense anxiety/panic.
instead of having a few of the symptoms that come along with them, i have all of them instead.
(IE: smothering sensations, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, slower and faster heartbeat, chest pain, difficulty swallowing, lump in my throat, blanching in the skin, shaking, intense chills, neck/shoulder pain, face/head numbness, bowel issues, tingling in hands/feet, dry mouth, distorted vision, disturbed hearing, all-encompassing migraines, agoraphobia, increased sensitivity to light, jaw pain/pressure, and more)
so yes, if you imagine experiencing these all together at least once a day for a lengthy period of time, i hope it makes sense why i've been so terrified considering i have never dealt with anything like it before this summer.
this is unfortunate, because i have no idea where this stemmed from and i refuse to take medicine for it.
i do everything i can to fight it though. my happiness is still dominating, which is good.
it's really weird that heath and ty have to call to hang out since i'm not just there already.
our house has been amazing though.
apparently, everybody knows everybody in our "court."
AKA the neighbors rule so far. we've already been invited to have a few beers in the courtyard with an older bunch.
it's so nice to have a bed. i haven't slept in a bed since i left school in june.
we still need lots of furniture.
i have waaaaay too much stuff and i hate it.
i just don't know what i don't need.
or i'm too afraid of realizing that i don't need most of it.
as of a few days ago, i must now learn what it's like to live on an intense budget,
which i'm actually pretty excited about.
i got my desk job, but i will only be working 8 hours a week.
the managers seem amazing though, and at least it is something.
i swallowed my pride and applied for the american apparel here for weekend work,
and i actually think i might get it.
if that happens, i will be set.

i won't have internet for awhile, so i'll be updating a bit less, but writing things really helps me get through my life a bit better, so not much less.

on top of moving, and doctors, and jobs, i have a very large amount of schoolwork to do.

see you!

someday

i won't be nostalgic about it anymore.

but- not today.

baking.

vegan peanut butter and honey cookies.
(i eat honey, although agave would work just as nicely).
mom helped me move some stuff into the new place today.
i'm pretty darned excited about it while also being pretty sad.
i will actually really miss living on heath and ty's couch.
this past month has been so good.

questions of the day: is there an es muss sein in your life? do you know what is real in your life? what binds you and what sets you free?

plato's symposium.

so funny.

jesus died for somebody's sins, but not mine.

I didn't think that I remembered much from the Wednesday afternoon bible classes that were forced upon me until I was 12.
Then it was left up to me to get there on my own, and so I just stopped going.
I didn't think that I was ever against them; I was really just extremely bored.
I just finished reading a few select passages from the Bible for my Jesus and Liberation class,
and my god, how irritating that piece of literature is, along with the history behind it.
My memory came rushing back, and then I realized that maybe I did stop going due to disbelief.
God is really kind of an arrogant asshole according to the passages I read (Exodus: 1-3, 14-16, Deuteronomy: 5-6, and 1 Kings: 12-19).
There's so much "I" involved in his commands and everything he says in general.
"I am a jealous God." "I will gain glory if you follow my lead." "Fear me if you want to live."
AKA "It's all about me."
Really, God? Come on. I'm sensing some George Orwell 1984 insanity here.
Additionally, do you even realize how many translations the darned Bible has undertaken?
Well, not the actual bible, because you see, the real thing has never even been found.
Only more translations of it have been.
It's ridiculous. Every new translator completely refashioned it to include only what he wanted to believe in. Yes, he. And those translations would only make it into the general public if what was in them was "deemed appropriate."
Anyway, to each his own.

I'm being a shit, sorry.

there are worse things than being alone.

i realized yesterday that i am at an amazing point in my life.
i can't recall ever feeling as content as i do for the time being.
money troubles and mild loneliness are pretty much all that can bring me down at the moment,
which they aren't.
i thought about you the other day.
i wanted to call and simply say, "let's start over."
but completely over. as if nothing had happened.
but it left my mind as soon as it entered.
i suppose i'm done swallowing my pride when it isn't necessary.
it's like my inner child has finally grown up in all of the ways that she needed to.
and i'm almost struggling to get her back because things feel so new without her.
i realized today that i haven't heard from my dad since the beginning of summer,
so i initiated the email tonight, although it maybe sort of upsets me that he wasn't the one to do so.
but there are worse things.
i don't think i'm studying abroad anymore, however, i still aspire to go to poland for maybe 3 weeks this summer.
i'd like to spend the whole time with him and my grandma danuta rather than at school.
i also got an invite from my old anthropology teacher to go to the galapagos islands in january of 2012, which i am dead seriously all over as long as i don't have to be a canada student.
can't even begin to imagine that trip right now.
lastly, i've been looking into woofing, which i plan to do as well. i'm thinking about iceland right now. these all sound so far-fetched.
but so did montana in my world. since that was possible, most things are possible in my mind.
anyway, i have so much confidence in my friends at home and here, and it really is an indescribable feeling.

in addition, this coming thanksgiving will by far be my best thanksgiving if it works out as planned.
so far, i've got a van of 10 people from home coming up, and it would rule if james and i could convince our parents to come up as well.
james and i already have so many planned visitors coming up as soon as we move in and through december aside from thanksgiving.
it's exciting.

i got my halloween costume today. really excited about that too.

i have become someone who needs to reduce her smoking habits- who would have thought? shouldn't have picked up the habit in the first place.

but there are worse things.

vegan cookies and burz!

things and stuff.

i have still been cooking a lot.
i've gotten into shredding potatoes for stir-fries rather than cutting them into lil' triangles.
if you don't cook them to a crisp, like you would do with hashbrowns, they are amazing.
i just finished cooking curried spinach, carrots, broccoli, zucchini, and textured vegetable protein.
sooooo gooooood!
on top of everything else, i have a feeling that my wisdom teeth are coming in, which blows.
and if that isn't what's going on, then something really painful and distracting is going on.
surprise, surprise.
philosophy and literature was amazing yesterday.
i have a feeling all of the girls in that class are going to cry at least once, heh.
it's a super intimate setting, and we talk about insanely sad things a lot, and the professor is really sweet and intense.
after reading the unbearable lightness of being, i learned a little bit more about myself,
because it's very easy to relate to one of the four main characters.
sabina symbolizes lightness, tomas is kind of in the middle, franz is more weighty, and tereza is the emblem of weight.
i related to tereza most, while everyone else in my class disliked her and related to sabina most.
apparently sabina is more "realistic," which actually surprised and bummed me out a little bit.
the thing is, living "lightly" basically translates into living extremely selfishly and following a "path of betrayals," which simply means running away from anything that gets too heavy and serious.
are people really like that? i mean, "lightness" is a very admirable trait in a character in a novel, because who doesn't ever find themselves in a situation where they really wish that they could just get up and run without saying a word, but instead feel too badly to ever actually do that?
but in real life? what about compassion? compassion is weight.
tereza is the character who basically welcomes burdens and thrives off of suffering, and i feel like she gains wisdom from that.
i am not saying that everyone should welcome burdens and suffer, but it is a sad, sad thing if running away from everything is more realistic. we learn so much less that way.
i don't know. i suppose it was an eye-opening class.

kitty love in the morning.

love you so much, olive.

p.s. new dress!

everything was 50% at lifelong.

Either/or: either shit is acceptable or we are created in an unacceptable manner.

Finished The Unbearable Lightness of Being last night.
What an amazing read. So much food for thought, I couldn't keep track.
It ends with a small animal rights rant, which I love of course.
I want a dog one hundred times more now though.
I think I will just feel a little bit empty until he/she comes into my life in a few years.
I have to write a reflection on the question of whether or not the "lightness of being" is, in fact, unbearable. I'm still a little bit confused about the difference between lightness and weight, but I believe lightness refers to the way that pretty much everything in life happens by chance.
If I'm on the right track, that fact is irritating and a bit silly.
I didn't really think about it before, but such a lightness (lack of predictability/purpose) can make one feel like she has no control over what happens in the one life that she gets to live.
While she can make choices, those choices don't necessarily matter because there is always the possibility of a chance event interfering with that choice.
At the same time, series of chances create what we call coincidences.
And a series of coincidences tend to give us courage, while also making us feel like we have to follow the path that they are leading us toward. That series makes us feel a sense of destiny, I suppose.
For example, when one develops affection for someone, she starts noticing all of these silly connections that make that crush seem perfect for her. By making those connections, she is actually giving herself courage to talk to that crush of hers.
At some point, after chance in itself is done occurring, I realize that we've become fashioned to creating our own ridiculous connections thereafter.
IE: He called me at six, and I live in apartment number six! We must be meant for each other!
I'm really just sorting out my thoughts right now. Don't mind me.

uh oh, it's morning time again.

streeeetch.

books are the emblem of a secret brotherhood.

my daily routine has become nothing much more than a struggle to stay as calm as possible.
everyday, i feel like i am suffering from a head trauma left over from an accident that never happened, and i just want to know what the hell is going on.
i have been to grouphealth three times and i've been told that it just sounds like i'm in a constant state of panic,
but i have read up on panic attacks over and over and they do not amount to what i'm feeling.
i couldn't be so publicly silent about it if i was panicking all of the time; instead, i do everything i can to go about my day as normally as possible.
it's not like my heart beats rapidly; in fact, i constantly check my pulse to make sure it isn't slowing down.
i sat down four times during my ten minute walk home yesterday because i was too dizzy and kept feeling like i was going to faint; my legs didn't feel very strong.
i force myself to nap as soon as i get home, because being awake and feeling whatever it is that i am feeling scares the shit out of me, and i'd rather be sleeping.
when i wake up, i know what it feels like to feel healthy for the first hour or two,
and then it's all downhill from there.
i am feeling perfect right now, and i am reeeeally hoping i can make it through one day.
i get all-encompassing migraines and full-body chills only in the right side of my head.
i get shooting pains in my wrists and pressure on the right side of my chest.
sometimes it feels like there are little holes getting burned into my head.
sounds crazy. i can't focus. and it just stays that way everyday.
i can't pinpoint anything that triggers it, which is the worst.
i just want to hang out without being secretly terrified.
i'm happy, and so i wish my body could be.
bah.

yesterday josh spontaneously gave me a drunken hug, and i actually really needed it,
but i didn't say anything.
i guess the positive thing that has come out of these crazy issues that flared up at the end of july while sitting on my couch one night with haley is that i'm letting myself have an amazing time for once.
getting drunk and laughing on a weekday doesn't freak me out.
i've learned how easy it is to manage time as opposed to how i thought i needed to do so last year (which meant isolating myself until the weekend).
it never seizes to amaze me how much can change in a matter of days.
chance, chance, chance.
"it's just one of those things."

if this isn't nice, what is?

gahhh, it's just building up inside of me how much better than last year this year already is,
and it hasn't even started yet.
my classes rule, the weekend ruled, my friendfamily rules.
there's not much else i can say.

heavy boots.

I finished Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close like a madwoman. I just sat in Vita for 4 hours before class yesterday to finish it. It is an amazing and heart-wrenching read. Definitely made me cry a couple of times, which is a big deal to me.

How do we love a world that breaks our hearts?
How do we know when something is not "just one of those things?"

Moving on to The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera. I have to finish it before Thursday.

Tea time every Tuesday in Russian literature, which rules.

jesus and liberation.

the joys of going to a jesuit school include theology requirements.
luckily, i got into one of the better classes within that realm, called "jesus and liberation."
i feel inadequate not knowing enough about any religion, really,
and so i hope that fall quarter changes this for me.
i still want to read the bible at some point just because so many books make reference to it in some way.
but that aside, a question i really want to explore is if and how atheism directly correlates with veganism.
it's going to be an exciting class.

side notes:
the sun is always especially beautiful in seattle.
smoke rings remind me of my dad.
i love the book i am reading.

2am tuesdays/2k10 no regrets

really wonderful end to summer 2010.
hop stoopid, dick danger, champagne, a lil' green, good eats, animal house, and formal wear.
i reached my limits for the first time in ages and stopped myself at a lovely time.
it is officially heath's and amelia's last "real" summers, mr(s). seniors.
classes and some brains (finally) start tomorrow.
"boom. real talk."

jonathan safran foer.

even though every day since then has been golden,
today was probably the best day i've had since i've been back from montana because i just got so much done.
heath wasn't home again, so i took over his bed last night.
his room is extremely dark, so i didn't wake up until around 11.
i went to vita for a bit and then to school to buy books.
the minute i stepped onto campus (for the first time since i left),
i filled up with excitement to start school again.
i hung out at the bookstore for awhile to say hello and chat with old coworkers.
it was so hectic. there were so many people on campus due to freshman orientation.
i also visited kara and saw her and heather's new room.
it was really nice to see them.
i walked over to peet's afterward to make an appearance, but the manager wasn't available,
so i headed back to heath's.
i made stir-fry for everyone and waited for haley, who i went apartment hunting with for a couple of hours.
when 6:30 came around, james, haley, joe, and i all got coffee and headed to town hall to see jonathan safran foer speak on his newest book, "eating animals."
it was suuuch an intriguing and witty talk, and i learned quite a lot even though i thought i knew it all, heh.
we ended up running into our boston friends there, which made me even happier than i'd been throughout the day. i kinda missed them.
it is suuuch a nice night, so we all stood outside afterward and talked about foer's talk for a bit, and then went to qfc for some groceries.
joe, james, and i all walked off to vita for some coffee, where we sat outside next to an awesome 65 year old drunk and his artist friend.
the art was amazing.
our 65 year old friend had some awesome stories, and both of them insisted that i looked like young barbara streisand, and then everyone said they could see it.
we migrated to hot mama's where another stranger asked for some change to get a slice of pizza and told us his story that made him cry.
he told us about his ex heroine addiction, and the fact that he is turning 29 and is already a widow even though him and his wife were divorced.
it really sucked when he started crying, so there was just an immediate moment of silence when he left.
lastly, we all walked to cal anderson where monday night bike polo was taking place.
now we are at heath's, and i've had an extremely successful day.

it's good to be good to people you don't understand.

tonight was a lonely night. i had the house all to myself,
so i sat in the dark with olive and watched a sappy movie.
why would i do that of all things? not really sure.

"eating animals."

i'm going to go see jonathan safran foer speak on this book tomorrow!
stoked.

perfect from now on.

sitting with james at porchlight creating a list of what we will need in our new home.
built to spill is playing. usually it is jets to brazil.
it's going to be a pain in the behind to shop for house things during school.
still can't believe school is only three days away.
i forget pretty much every three seconds.

i'm hoping to get a book club started soon, and i've been brainstorming book ideas.
it's a bit hard, because book clubs require books that require thinking and discussion.
and i feel like lots of fiction (modern fiction) is more for personal interpretation.
but fiction aside, i'm thinking that "people's history of the united states" by howard zinn would be awesome.

2am.

oh, hey new tattoo!
he's missing an ear right now, but we were just hangin' out watching movies and getting distracted in the living room, so we will fix that when it's healed.
love it.
it's pouring rain right now, and i'm hiding in heath's bed, because he's not home and i'm really tired.
we got a bit of sunshine today. went to volunteer park. played music while a couple joined our tree party and showed off some dance moves. i kind of want to join their dancing class, hah.
i got six goddamned mosquito bites in a matter of 15 minutes standing out there! three on one foot, two on my back, and one on my leg. ridiculous.
we also watched "the beautiful truth," which reallyreally inspired me to make some healthy changes.
goodnight! goodmorning!

american bison.

i wanted to learn a little bit about the animal.
i'm getting it tattooed mainly for montana, but it's nice to know a bit more anyway.
here's a lil' list:

1. they are the largest land animals in north america.
   
2. males are larger than females, as holds true with most animals. but! both sexes have horns, which kind of rules. when it comes to birds, males are always so much more brightly colored than females. when it comes to most animals, females tend to get the short end of the stick.
   
3. they have beards. even the females. awesome.
4. they are generally kept in national parks and refuges for protection.
5. they are herbivores! considering the size of these animals, that really amazes me even though it makes sense considering their habitats.
   
6. females are ready to mate before males are. sounds familiar, heh. cute.
   
7. the general mating process is very similar to humans'. a male chooses a female, becomes very protective of her, they mate, and the female gives birth to one calf nine months later.
8. bison pretty much just hang out and eat all day in groups of about 20. each group includes a dominant male or female, and males and females generally separate from each other aside from mating season.
   

pictures of pictures from montana.
yesterday was lovely.
heath and ty got a new table with chairs, so we had a painting party.
haley and josh came over, we got some beers and watched superbad, heh.
haley and i are watching "the beautiful truth" today.
she tells me i will love it.
i think josh might be giving me my bison tattoo.

morning murmurs.

it's good to know that i can't stand dirty dishes and that i like to cook.
it settles my nerves about being completely on my own as soon as october 5th comes around,
and i am readay!
four people in one small place means a full sink every morning and lots of hungry bellies,
so when i wake up freakishly early, i do dishes and then cook breakfast.
i feel like i owe heath and ty so much, so it is the least that i can do.
the best part about being in the kitchen is overhearing their sleepy conversation.
everybody just catches on to everybody's bizarre statements.
most of it is just completely nonsensical, but when our minds aren't exactly up to par,
every word seems brilliant and hilarious.
i just like mornings a lot. everything that goes along with them. can't say it enough.

being around the boys has been so great for musical inspiration.
ty and james are always playing guitar, and they always want to hear me sing.
they are helping me build so much more confidence even though i still tend to shake into a million pieces every time i start singing in front of them, or anyone.
my ridiculously simplistic guitar-playing seems to be getting a little more dynamic, which is exciting.

sometimes i wish that i could remember exactly when i discovered that i had some kind of voice.
i have two memories of myself singing as a child.
one of them being hilarious and quite embarrassing.
my mom has worked at the post office since i was born,
and i used to go to work with her every once in awhile when i was 8 or 9 years old.
she would leave me at her desk in her roll-y chair. it spinned around too, and i loved it.
one day, i rolled the chair right underneath one of the lights on the ceiling and just started spinning myself around while staring upward, and then i began belting out "somewhere over the rainbow" for a really long time.
this was in the middle of the post office. one of her coworkers, werner, will never let me forget it.
the other memory is from a middle school field trip.
we just walked from school to stulsaft park with our music teacher,
and we sat around and sang patriotic songs and nature songs while she played guitar.
when it came down to singing "america, the beautiful,"
everybody stopped singing while i continued,
and i believe that was the first time i ever continued singing in front of a large group of people.
anyway, i just wish i could remember the starting point.

i'm sitting at vita again. a bug flew into my coffee this morning.
i turned in an application to peet's. it would rule if i got that job.
or any job.

i must say.

in my attempts to find a job, i had to update my resume.
while i hate doing so, i am quite impressed with it.

current mantra.

"no more food, only hops."

secret sensitivity.

you've been making me feel terrible about myself lately.

some nights are red when i want my eyes blue again.

getting older can be a huge bummer.
i keep questioning why i can't and don't have the same desire to write the way i used to.
and i think it's because i become less and less passionate about more and more things.
growing out of whatever used to make me happy happens so fast, yet subtly and beyond my control.
and lack of self-control is one of my biggest fears (if not the biggest).
free time seems to be almost nonexistent even though i feel so much less busy than i used to be,
which i hate.
i've always enjoyed the rush of work followed by school followed by work followed by school every day and then having no idea what to do with myself when that wasn't the case.
i hope to run into some sort of creative pull sometime soon (oh, and a job).
i want to invest in a sewing machine, and i want my guitars to be here, and i also wish i could draw.

today, i went to value village to kill time.
i was looking through the t-shirts, which are assorted by color.
i usually skip yellow, orange, pink, and purple for obvious reasons.
(i'm an earth tones and dark colors kind of gal).
but i also noticed that i ignored red.
when i was done with the rack, i paused to ask myself why i skipped red.
(because red's a nice color on me, and i have been hoping to come across a "poland" shirt, heh).
and i realized that i've always been hesitant to wear it because i was raised to be aware that red is a dangerous color due to where i grew up.
it's just interesting that it becomes subconscious habit to ignore certain things at home that are perfectly normal somewhere else (like the color red is in seattle).
it's also irritating that something like the color red can initiate danger.

question of the day: is there really such a thing as completely free thinking?

bon appetit.

i've never been much of a cook.
but being at heath's has changed that tremendously.
i've been cooking up a storm.
mainly stir-fries.
but they're fucking delicious.

sigh.

why do bad things feel the best?
like cigarettes and sugar.
and melancholia.

20 minutes alone.

i just re-read this blog for the first time since the last time i wrote.
i decided i want to continue it.
it will be exactly one year tomorrow since my last post,
and considering the amount of things that can happen in one day,
the things that have happened in one year are infinite.
i have record of it on another blog, but if you can recall, i was keeping it on the DL for awhile.
i needed to feel like i had some privacy, which was eventually destroyed, but what can ya' do?
this morning, i woke up to breakfast prepared by heath and ty.
i woke up to taylor and sierra and skunky and olive.
amelia and james too.
i came to seattle without anyone and now i have a family.
james and i applied for our new home today.
we will be living at heath and ty's until move-in, which is october 5.
i can't believe that i will have my own place.
i feel more and more like a big, bad grown-up every day.
i'm overwhelmed with excitement.
especially for visitors. i hope to have many visitors.
school starts in ten days, which i can't quite wrap my head around yet.
fall quarter is going to be fantastic though.

i had some girly one-on-one time with amelia yesterday.
age was involved in much of the conversation,
and i feel that it will be holding me back more than ever this year.
for awhile now, i've been and still am very ready for a serious relationship.
(as ready as one can be, that is).
this is new for me, which means that it is one of my stronger desires.
unfortunately, i don't see this happening for another couple of years because i can't help who i am attracted to.
they never seem to be younger than 23, and i hate understanding why that tends to be a problem.
but if i could be with who i wanted, nothing could really get better at this point in my life.
maybe health. but that's about it.

since august 28th, the day that seven of us left for montana, life has consisted of nonstop people and parties. i've been having the time of my life, but maaan do i cherish my 20 minutes alone.