some nights are red when i want my eyes blue again.

getting older can be a huge bummer.
i keep questioning why i can't and don't have the same desire to write the way i used to.
and i think it's because i become less and less passionate about more and more things.
growing out of whatever used to make me happy happens so fast, yet subtly and beyond my control.
and lack of self-control is one of my biggest fears (if not the biggest).
free time seems to be almost nonexistent even though i feel so much less busy than i used to be,
which i hate.
i've always enjoyed the rush of work followed by school followed by work followed by school every day and then having no idea what to do with myself when that wasn't the case.
i hope to run into some sort of creative pull sometime soon (oh, and a job).
i want to invest in a sewing machine, and i want my guitars to be here, and i also wish i could draw.

today, i went to value village to kill time.
i was looking through the t-shirts, which are assorted by color.
i usually skip yellow, orange, pink, and purple for obvious reasons.
(i'm an earth tones and dark colors kind of gal).
but i also noticed that i ignored red.
when i was done with the rack, i paused to ask myself why i skipped red.
(because red's a nice color on me, and i have been hoping to come across a "poland" shirt, heh).
and i realized that i've always been hesitant to wear it because i was raised to be aware that red is a dangerous color due to where i grew up.
it's just interesting that it becomes subconscious habit to ignore certain things at home that are perfectly normal somewhere else (like the color red is in seattle).
it's also irritating that something like the color red can initiate danger.

question of the day: is there really such a thing as completely free thinking?