kitty love in the morning.

love you so much, olive.

p.s. new dress!

everything was 50% at lifelong.

Either/or: either shit is acceptable or we are created in an unacceptable manner.

Finished The Unbearable Lightness of Being last night.
What an amazing read. So much food for thought, I couldn't keep track.
It ends with a small animal rights rant, which I love of course.
I want a dog one hundred times more now though.
I think I will just feel a little bit empty until he/she comes into my life in a few years.
I have to write a reflection on the question of whether or not the "lightness of being" is, in fact, unbearable. I'm still a little bit confused about the difference between lightness and weight, but I believe lightness refers to the way that pretty much everything in life happens by chance.
If I'm on the right track, that fact is irritating and a bit silly.
I didn't really think about it before, but such a lightness (lack of predictability/purpose) can make one feel like she has no control over what happens in the one life that she gets to live.
While she can make choices, those choices don't necessarily matter because there is always the possibility of a chance event interfering with that choice.
At the same time, series of chances create what we call coincidences.
And a series of coincidences tend to give us courage, while also making us feel like we have to follow the path that they are leading us toward. That series makes us feel a sense of destiny, I suppose.
For example, when one develops affection for someone, she starts noticing all of these silly connections that make that crush seem perfect for her. By making those connections, she is actually giving herself courage to talk to that crush of hers.
At some point, after chance in itself is done occurring, I realize that we've become fashioned to creating our own ridiculous connections thereafter.
IE: He called me at six, and I live in apartment number six! We must be meant for each other!
I'm really just sorting out my thoughts right now. Don't mind me.

uh oh, it's morning time again.

streeeetch.

books are the emblem of a secret brotherhood.

my daily routine has become nothing much more than a struggle to stay as calm as possible.
everyday, i feel like i am suffering from a head trauma left over from an accident that never happened, and i just want to know what the hell is going on.
i have been to grouphealth three times and i've been told that it just sounds like i'm in a constant state of panic,
but i have read up on panic attacks over and over and they do not amount to what i'm feeling.
i couldn't be so publicly silent about it if i was panicking all of the time; instead, i do everything i can to go about my day as normally as possible.
it's not like my heart beats rapidly; in fact, i constantly check my pulse to make sure it isn't slowing down.
i sat down four times during my ten minute walk home yesterday because i was too dizzy and kept feeling like i was going to faint; my legs didn't feel very strong.
i force myself to nap as soon as i get home, because being awake and feeling whatever it is that i am feeling scares the shit out of me, and i'd rather be sleeping.
when i wake up, i know what it feels like to feel healthy for the first hour or two,
and then it's all downhill from there.
i am feeling perfect right now, and i am reeeeally hoping i can make it through one day.
i get all-encompassing migraines and full-body chills only in the right side of my head.
i get shooting pains in my wrists and pressure on the right side of my chest.
sometimes it feels like there are little holes getting burned into my head.
sounds crazy. i can't focus. and it just stays that way everyday.
i can't pinpoint anything that triggers it, which is the worst.
i just want to hang out without being secretly terrified.
i'm happy, and so i wish my body could be.
bah.

yesterday josh spontaneously gave me a drunken hug, and i actually really needed it,
but i didn't say anything.
i guess the positive thing that has come out of these crazy issues that flared up at the end of july while sitting on my couch one night with haley is that i'm letting myself have an amazing time for once.
getting drunk and laughing on a weekday doesn't freak me out.
i've learned how easy it is to manage time as opposed to how i thought i needed to do so last year (which meant isolating myself until the weekend).
it never seizes to amaze me how much can change in a matter of days.
chance, chance, chance.
"it's just one of those things."

if this isn't nice, what is?

gahhh, it's just building up inside of me how much better than last year this year already is,
and it hasn't even started yet.
my classes rule, the weekend ruled, my friendfamily rules.
there's not much else i can say.

heavy boots.

I finished Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close like a madwoman. I just sat in Vita for 4 hours before class yesterday to finish it. It is an amazing and heart-wrenching read. Definitely made me cry a couple of times, which is a big deal to me.

How do we love a world that breaks our hearts?
How do we know when something is not "just one of those things?"

Moving on to The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera. I have to finish it before Thursday.

Tea time every Tuesday in Russian literature, which rules.

jesus and liberation.

the joys of going to a jesuit school include theology requirements.
luckily, i got into one of the better classes within that realm, called "jesus and liberation."
i feel inadequate not knowing enough about any religion, really,
and so i hope that fall quarter changes this for me.
i still want to read the bible at some point just because so many books make reference to it in some way.
but that aside, a question i really want to explore is if and how atheism directly correlates with veganism.
it's going to be an exciting class.

side notes:
the sun is always especially beautiful in seattle.
smoke rings remind me of my dad.
i love the book i am reading.

2am tuesdays/2k10 no regrets

really wonderful end to summer 2010.
hop stoopid, dick danger, champagne, a lil' green, good eats, animal house, and formal wear.
i reached my limits for the first time in ages and stopped myself at a lovely time.
it is officially heath's and amelia's last "real" summers, mr(s). seniors.
classes and some brains (finally) start tomorrow.
"boom. real talk."

jonathan safran foer.

even though every day since then has been golden,
today was probably the best day i've had since i've been back from montana because i just got so much done.
heath wasn't home again, so i took over his bed last night.
his room is extremely dark, so i didn't wake up until around 11.
i went to vita for a bit and then to school to buy books.
the minute i stepped onto campus (for the first time since i left),
i filled up with excitement to start school again.
i hung out at the bookstore for awhile to say hello and chat with old coworkers.
it was so hectic. there were so many people on campus due to freshman orientation.
i also visited kara and saw her and heather's new room.
it was really nice to see them.
i walked over to peet's afterward to make an appearance, but the manager wasn't available,
so i headed back to heath's.
i made stir-fry for everyone and waited for haley, who i went apartment hunting with for a couple of hours.
when 6:30 came around, james, haley, joe, and i all got coffee and headed to town hall to see jonathan safran foer speak on his newest book, "eating animals."
it was suuuch an intriguing and witty talk, and i learned quite a lot even though i thought i knew it all, heh.
we ended up running into our boston friends there, which made me even happier than i'd been throughout the day. i kinda missed them.
it is suuuch a nice night, so we all stood outside afterward and talked about foer's talk for a bit, and then went to qfc for some groceries.
joe, james, and i all walked off to vita for some coffee, where we sat outside next to an awesome 65 year old drunk and his artist friend.
the art was amazing.
our 65 year old friend had some awesome stories, and both of them insisted that i looked like young barbara streisand, and then everyone said they could see it.
we migrated to hot mama's where another stranger asked for some change to get a slice of pizza and told us his story that made him cry.
he told us about his ex heroine addiction, and the fact that he is turning 29 and is already a widow even though him and his wife were divorced.
it really sucked when he started crying, so there was just an immediate moment of silence when he left.
lastly, we all walked to cal anderson where monday night bike polo was taking place.
now we are at heath's, and i've had an extremely successful day.

it's good to be good to people you don't understand.

tonight was a lonely night. i had the house all to myself,
so i sat in the dark with olive and watched a sappy movie.
why would i do that of all things? not really sure.

"eating animals."

i'm going to go see jonathan safran foer speak on this book tomorrow!
stoked.

perfect from now on.

sitting with james at porchlight creating a list of what we will need in our new home.
built to spill is playing. usually it is jets to brazil.
it's going to be a pain in the behind to shop for house things during school.
still can't believe school is only three days away.
i forget pretty much every three seconds.

i'm hoping to get a book club started soon, and i've been brainstorming book ideas.
it's a bit hard, because book clubs require books that require thinking and discussion.
and i feel like lots of fiction (modern fiction) is more for personal interpretation.
but fiction aside, i'm thinking that "people's history of the united states" by howard zinn would be awesome.

2am.

oh, hey new tattoo!
he's missing an ear right now, but we were just hangin' out watching movies and getting distracted in the living room, so we will fix that when it's healed.
love it.
it's pouring rain right now, and i'm hiding in heath's bed, because he's not home and i'm really tired.
we got a bit of sunshine today. went to volunteer park. played music while a couple joined our tree party and showed off some dance moves. i kind of want to join their dancing class, hah.
i got six goddamned mosquito bites in a matter of 15 minutes standing out there! three on one foot, two on my back, and one on my leg. ridiculous.
we also watched "the beautiful truth," which reallyreally inspired me to make some healthy changes.
goodnight! goodmorning!

american bison.

i wanted to learn a little bit about the animal.
i'm getting it tattooed mainly for montana, but it's nice to know a bit more anyway.
here's a lil' list:

1. they are the largest land animals in north america.
   
2. males are larger than females, as holds true with most animals. but! both sexes have horns, which kind of rules. when it comes to birds, males are always so much more brightly colored than females. when it comes to most animals, females tend to get the short end of the stick.
   
3. they have beards. even the females. awesome.
4. they are generally kept in national parks and refuges for protection.
5. they are herbivores! considering the size of these animals, that really amazes me even though it makes sense considering their habitats.
   
6. females are ready to mate before males are. sounds familiar, heh. cute.
   
7. the general mating process is very similar to humans'. a male chooses a female, becomes very protective of her, they mate, and the female gives birth to one calf nine months later.
8. bison pretty much just hang out and eat all day in groups of about 20. each group includes a dominant male or female, and males and females generally separate from each other aside from mating season.
   

pictures of pictures from montana.
yesterday was lovely.
heath and ty got a new table with chairs, so we had a painting party.
haley and josh came over, we got some beers and watched superbad, heh.
haley and i are watching "the beautiful truth" today.
she tells me i will love it.
i think josh might be giving me my bison tattoo.

morning murmurs.

it's good to know that i can't stand dirty dishes and that i like to cook.
it settles my nerves about being completely on my own as soon as october 5th comes around,
and i am readay!
four people in one small place means a full sink every morning and lots of hungry bellies,
so when i wake up freakishly early, i do dishes and then cook breakfast.
i feel like i owe heath and ty so much, so it is the least that i can do.
the best part about being in the kitchen is overhearing their sleepy conversation.
everybody just catches on to everybody's bizarre statements.
most of it is just completely nonsensical, but when our minds aren't exactly up to par,
every word seems brilliant and hilarious.
i just like mornings a lot. everything that goes along with them. can't say it enough.

being around the boys has been so great for musical inspiration.
ty and james are always playing guitar, and they always want to hear me sing.
they are helping me build so much more confidence even though i still tend to shake into a million pieces every time i start singing in front of them, or anyone.
my ridiculously simplistic guitar-playing seems to be getting a little more dynamic, which is exciting.

sometimes i wish that i could remember exactly when i discovered that i had some kind of voice.
i have two memories of myself singing as a child.
one of them being hilarious and quite embarrassing.
my mom has worked at the post office since i was born,
and i used to go to work with her every once in awhile when i was 8 or 9 years old.
she would leave me at her desk in her roll-y chair. it spinned around too, and i loved it.
one day, i rolled the chair right underneath one of the lights on the ceiling and just started spinning myself around while staring upward, and then i began belting out "somewhere over the rainbow" for a really long time.
this was in the middle of the post office. one of her coworkers, werner, will never let me forget it.
the other memory is from a middle school field trip.
we just walked from school to stulsaft park with our music teacher,
and we sat around and sang patriotic songs and nature songs while she played guitar.
when it came down to singing "america, the beautiful,"
everybody stopped singing while i continued,
and i believe that was the first time i ever continued singing in front of a large group of people.
anyway, i just wish i could remember the starting point.

i'm sitting at vita again. a bug flew into my coffee this morning.
i turned in an application to peet's. it would rule if i got that job.
or any job.

i must say.

in my attempts to find a job, i had to update my resume.
while i hate doing so, i am quite impressed with it.

current mantra.

"no more food, only hops."

secret sensitivity.

you've been making me feel terrible about myself lately.

some nights are red when i want my eyes blue again.

getting older can be a huge bummer.
i keep questioning why i can't and don't have the same desire to write the way i used to.
and i think it's because i become less and less passionate about more and more things.
growing out of whatever used to make me happy happens so fast, yet subtly and beyond my control.
and lack of self-control is one of my biggest fears (if not the biggest).
free time seems to be almost nonexistent even though i feel so much less busy than i used to be,
which i hate.
i've always enjoyed the rush of work followed by school followed by work followed by school every day and then having no idea what to do with myself when that wasn't the case.
i hope to run into some sort of creative pull sometime soon (oh, and a job).
i want to invest in a sewing machine, and i want my guitars to be here, and i also wish i could draw.

today, i went to value village to kill time.
i was looking through the t-shirts, which are assorted by color.
i usually skip yellow, orange, pink, and purple for obvious reasons.
(i'm an earth tones and dark colors kind of gal).
but i also noticed that i ignored red.
when i was done with the rack, i paused to ask myself why i skipped red.
(because red's a nice color on me, and i have been hoping to come across a "poland" shirt, heh).
and i realized that i've always been hesitant to wear it because i was raised to be aware that red is a dangerous color due to where i grew up.
it's just interesting that it becomes subconscious habit to ignore certain things at home that are perfectly normal somewhere else (like the color red is in seattle).
it's also irritating that something like the color red can initiate danger.

question of the day: is there really such a thing as completely free thinking?

bon appetit.

i've never been much of a cook.
but being at heath's has changed that tremendously.
i've been cooking up a storm.
mainly stir-fries.
but they're fucking delicious.

sigh.

why do bad things feel the best?
like cigarettes and sugar.
and melancholia.

20 minutes alone.

i just re-read this blog for the first time since the last time i wrote.
i decided i want to continue it.
it will be exactly one year tomorrow since my last post,
and considering the amount of things that can happen in one day,
the things that have happened in one year are infinite.
i have record of it on another blog, but if you can recall, i was keeping it on the DL for awhile.
i needed to feel like i had some privacy, which was eventually destroyed, but what can ya' do?
this morning, i woke up to breakfast prepared by heath and ty.
i woke up to taylor and sierra and skunky and olive.
amelia and james too.
i came to seattle without anyone and now i have a family.
james and i applied for our new home today.
we will be living at heath and ty's until move-in, which is october 5.
i can't believe that i will have my own place.
i feel more and more like a big, bad grown-up every day.
i'm overwhelmed with excitement.
especially for visitors. i hope to have many visitors.
school starts in ten days, which i can't quite wrap my head around yet.
fall quarter is going to be fantastic though.

i had some girly one-on-one time with amelia yesterday.
age was involved in much of the conversation,
and i feel that it will be holding me back more than ever this year.
for awhile now, i've been and still am very ready for a serious relationship.
(as ready as one can be, that is).
this is new for me, which means that it is one of my stronger desires.
unfortunately, i don't see this happening for another couple of years because i can't help who i am attracted to.
they never seem to be younger than 23, and i hate understanding why that tends to be a problem.
but if i could be with who i wanted, nothing could really get better at this point in my life.
maybe health. but that's about it.

since august 28th, the day that seven of us left for montana, life has consisted of nonstop people and parties. i've been having the time of my life, but maaan do i cherish my 20 minutes alone.