blink 182/weezer, it was one raaaaaaaainy night, let me tell you.

my good friend, colin :)

i've really just needed to feel like i have a lot more privacy than i do.
i think i'm done publicly blogging for awhile.

i feel older already.

it's really crazy how much of an effect one person can have on...everything.
it's different.

a very pleasant surprise.

i came across this really cool bookstore in the mission a week ago.
my arms were full of books to purchase at one point,
but then i realized it was a bit out of hand, so i only ended up with two.
one of the books was only 3 dollars and very small-
i was quickly drawn to it because it looks super independent and self-published,
and the cover is really rad.
i also read the first page or two, and it seemed like a dream come true;
this author seemed to be doing exactly what i hope to do someday,
in the way he writes, the way he publishes, the cover of his book, etc.
it was just sitting there on a shelf, looking really out of place.
anyway, i read it all yesterday, and then looked up the author to see if he had anything else,
and alas! i found out that he was born in berkeley, has been a significant part of punk,
and now plays in thorns of life!
i won't name any names 'cause i wanna' keep it a secret for now,
although if you so choose, you can find out from the info. i already gave away,
but anyway, it was really cool to totally connect with this person and his way of doing things
before knowing who it was.

and now it's just even better.

cool.

also.

kindness is much too often misinterpreted to mean something else.

s.f.y.

ahhhh, in such a rut.
just been one of those weeks where i'm not particularly happy about anything.
not moving.
not being here.
not going there.
not doing this or that.
not them or me.
you know?
out of kindness, i feel like i should be filling every little tiny gap of free time i come across with time for friends instead.
is it bad that i just want/need a little bit of space?
especially right now.
i'm really asking, not in any snooty way.
i've had to say no too much lately, about a lot of different things, and it's only contributed to my current feelings.
sometimes i wonder if the amount of alone time and space i wish i could have is normal.
every time i try to pursue it, i think important people are secretly bothered,
and then i find myself too lonely.
there's just no nice middle.

i just wish you could simply say, "i can't treat you like a normal person when we are just friends."
i'm not going to let you make me feel inferior anymore; i'd rather just wait for you to be ready,
whether that means soon or never. i'd rather feel nothing than bad/sad.

meteor shower was nice last night. hung with birthday girl, sat on a rooftop, but fell asleep right around 4am, which is when it was supposed to peak unfortunately. that happens to me a lot, but sleeping on a rooftop for awhile was also pretty cool.

eh.

things.

not so good.

oh, and ps.

surprise-now that i have something to whine about,
i feel like writing hundreds of pages.

well ok.

something i might as well just say is thank you.
thank you for speeding up the process,
and hurting/disappointing me yet again.

it just makes things easier, and it was a nice ending nevertheless.

don't worry, you're still invited.
although it wouldn't surprise me if you didn't show.
wouldn't bother me either.

i figured out that i will easily accept the attention
and the breaking down my wall
once the person who knows how to do it just right comes around.

i've been blaming shit on myself for too long,
and i'm no longer afraid to admit that i deserve a lot better than many things i've settled for.

tonight was full of a lot of new information that just made me really uncomfortable.
buuut, i also got to say a lot of stuff that's really needed to be said.

i need to leave :/

i'm still here.

just secretly blogging for now.

it's killing meeeee.

i want to want to write!

hmm.

i will probably go back to my livejournal (username: dreamsdont) after the summer.

for some reason, i feel like it just helps me say what i really want to say more than this journal does?

or maybe doesn't help, but inspires me instead.

i haven't felt like writing at all in the first place with this journal, which kind of sucks.

i also

was asked to play several upcoming club shows in san jose by a random fan,

and i turned him down just like tuesday.

i really do hope to join or create some cool music project in seattle.

dandelions is not cutting it for the time being.

wellwellwell

i finished crime and punishment like i planned,

and what a wonderful book it was.

when i'm walking home from work, i generally take the same route,

however, i like to change one street every so often.

i walked up a really good one today.

i have this weird fascination with homes and admiring the ones i could picture myself living in someday.

it's weird, i want my home to be the kind where you walk by and quickly say, "amanda must live here".

there are so many options it seems like, but none of them have been exactly right yet.

close though.

would you be weirded out if you saw me taking pictures of your house?

because i do that sometimes too. the ones i like and that i think are too pretty for me.

i was reading through old journal entries, and i really miss the way i used to write about things.

i used to put words together so nicely, unlike i do now.

sometimes i just have to sneak away.

real updates.

so really i've been working too little, going to too many shows,

celebrating way too many birthdays, struggling to get around,

and trying to find time for myself and for friends with the little down time i find hidden in corners.

i'm scared because i've been spending a lot of that free time sleeping and by myself,

and although i love it right now, i will probably feel unfulfilled and sad when moving time comes.

the month of august is already half full for me, and because i'll be having fun,

time is going to go by so fast. i really don't know what to do!

today i bought tickets to see rocky votolato play in a flipping house!

a friend's house! in east palo alto.

i bought one of the last 7 out of 40 tickets.

it will be legendary, i tell you.

i've been reading crime and punishment for the last 3 weeks and am really disappointed in how long it has taken me, i still have close to 100 pages left, and i am really determined to finish tonight.

i've read three books this summer. only three. that's not ok.

i'm getting more and more excited about getting my tattoo, although it's going to be between 400 and 600 dollars out of my pocket!

i'm worried about what i'm going to do for money when i get to seattle.

anyway, i got a macbook. that's pretty cool.

i am brainless when it comes to computers, so it's a bit overwhelming.

new toys are always exciting though!

i'm making a promise to myself right now to not sleep anymore than at bedtime.

IF i nap, they must last no longer than one hour.

i've been wasting too much time.

anyway, i'm off to read. seee ya.

.

always always always on the go.


boys really suck.

and

i also have a small feeling that the cure will slowly become my all time favorite band.


until death.

ohmygod,

third eye blind.

meh.

being gone for only a few days
makes it really hard for me to get back into the mix of things.

well.

the appointment and deposit are official.

i'm getting my first tattoo on my birthday.

yaaaay.

orientation.

well, i'm officially a redhawk.
campus card, class schedule, t-shirt, and all.
it already felt like home.
coming back here felt like i'd been gone for longer than three days,
it felt like i was visiting home for the first few hours.
i'm just really excited to do stuff.
join society of feminists.
go on crazy trips.
learn polish.
live in coffee shops.
eat hella thai food.
fully take care of myself.
sort of.
meet new people.
focus on the things i like.
i am 98% sure i am double-majoring in creative writing and cultural anthropology.
it hit me this weekend just how perfect that combination seems to be.

movies are so sad.
i spend too many lame mornings crying with myself on the couch.
i feel like it's good for me though.
i don't cry enough.

i've been getting that empty feeling too often lately,
where i just want to sit and do nothing.
seriously, nothing.
i can't bring myself to reach for a book, or a pencil and paper, or the tv remote,
my cat, the telephone,
or god forbid, actually get up and go somewhere.
i don't like it at all.

i got questioned about my i.d. for the first time ever at the airport yesterday.
i guess little me is growing up oh-so-fast.
i was really surprised.

i'm back in my "burritos are the best things ever invented" phase.

anyway, all that's left is the rest of july and august.
the first couple of weeks of september will be consumed by getting ready for moving,
and then i leave.
weird.

hello,

seattle.

...

i reeeeeally want to go to the grand canyon again.
really, it's high up on my list.

i really want to go camping at least once before the end of summer, too.

i had a really long nightmare yesterday.
i calculated that it lasted from 1:00am to 1:52am,
and it was extremely clear and formed a complete story.
it was terrible, and usually i know that i'll be waking up after dreams and nightmares,
but this time i forgot that i went to sleep, so i thought it was real.
it really sucked waking up alone afterward, i needed a hug.
scawy.

funny schedules.

much of this week has been spent working, eating, riding to haley's, napping,
and riding home really sleepy and really late at night.
it's been really nice actually, heh.
tonight was the first night i had the guts to listen to loud music while riding home.
i turned on algernon cadwallader and seeeeeriously could not have made a better choice.
i felt so restricted and was really bummed that i didn't know how to ride with no hands,
because i would have been dancing up a storm,
you know, clapping my hands and stuff.
i still did what i could, and i made sure to sing very loudly.
got caught a few times, but no biggie.
it was fun. really fun. i can't describe the feeling.
and i must say that i forgot how amazing headphones are.


i really don't mind being weird.


i don't know, i wanna' go swimming.

man, i'm hopeless.

i never fail to have at least one terrible bathroom experience each time i go to san francisco.

my official college orientation is next week, it's going to feel so real and close, time is going by so fast.

i talked to my dad for the first time in many years on the phone the other day, it was a good kind of bad, and that's about as deep as i'll go here, i am truly thinking/wanting to go to poland during one of my next breaks (winter or spring), and i will save just in case, i would want to go alone or with my sister.

i'm getting really tired of how many people i've noticed butting heads with me in competitions i'm not part of and will make sure to never be part of, it's awkward, unnecessary, and too many days have consisted of me not having any idea how to respond to anyone due to the fact that i'm too busy thinking "hmmm, did they really just say that?", and it's getting a little out of hand, relax is really all i've got.

i almost never listen to music anymore, it's been much too long since i've updated my collection, so i began working on that today and plan to get on it, very into folky things.

i guess it's nice that i don't have an addictive personality, at all, but i feel like it holds me back from a lot of things.

i was asked to play a show on a tuesday coming up, and i actually said no, the songs are all extremely personal, and although i'd love to share them live, it reeeeally gets to me when they don't come out the way they're supposed to, which they never do, and it sucks that i feel this way.

as soon as i get free time, i am going to make my tattoo appointment, i just don't know when that will be, blah.

i still have as hard of a time as ever believing people.

today i made myself a peanut butter, cucumber, onion, and spinach sammich on wheat bread, and before you go and be all judgemental, i really suggest you try it.

there is sososososo much i desire to do, but time, i hate yoooou time, i just need to be patient, i will do them, in time.

...

writing a bunch of dumb little songs,
struggling with how many people i really want to make time for,
hating myself for not succeeding,
wondering if you still ever think about me,
and you and you,
missing too many people,
(im)patiently waiting,
riding/walking to the death,
feels like literally,
not caring about certain things,
caring a lot about others,
overanalyzing weird situations,
keeping quiet,
sleeping too much,
winding down.

not knowing what time it is.

4th of july was nice.

did you know that there was a personality in there?

i missed you and wanted you there.

too much.

there's only one of meeeeeeee.

and-

things just aren't the same anymore.

i guess i just badly want(ed) them to be.

man...

i really don't think i like who i am.

i lack passion.
in fact, i'm not passionate at all.
i'm too serious.
i'm antisocial.
i'm not happy enough.
i'm too overanalytical.
i'm a shitty friend.
sometimes i think i'm too tired to love.
my wall is much too high and strong.
i'm mostly just too lazy to do anything.
i just...
don't have much to offer underneath it all.

what do i do?

i wanna go.

i think i just want to stay in (or go out) and read all day for awhile.
i wouldn't mind if people joined me, as long as they let me read peacefully, but that's really all i've felt like doing.
occasional shows have been nice and bike-riding to wherever i wanna' read has been nice too,
but not much else has seemed appealing.
well, i guess just personal productivity is the best way to word what i'm most interested in currently.
like, i always wanna' sew things really badly, but i lack a sewing machine.
i wanna' practice drawing, so i can be kind of good, but i don't have enough of an imagination.
i feel like it's the same with creative writing, i just don't know what to write about,
and i feel like drawing and writing are things we're either good at or we're not, which worries me.
are there ways to improve and expand my imagination? teach me.
i'm really lucky that i've stayed in touch with several great teachers, because they never fail to have the answers i'm looking for.
they know everything, like movies, books, camping, cooking, etc.
something i am really going to focus on for the next couple of months is refreshing my memory and therefore improving my ability to have intelligent conversations about things other than life.
when it comes to book-smarts, i really don't remember all that i feel i should have from essential subjects, like us/world history, biology, economics, etc.
i can go on forever about life and how it works, but i've been around so many people lately who remember all the details taught in school, and i've felt extremely insecure about being unable to contribute, ya' know?
i feel like i'm more...wise than intelligent, if that makes any sense at all?
in any case, i don't like it, i want both.

september is way too far away.
get me out of here.

although things have been really good.

also-

i got water-ballooned on my bike last night.
it was actually a little bit funny.

north korea.

whaaaaaaat is going on :(

so many mixed feelings!

while i was reading this morning,
the way the author described a certain place made me itch to be in seattle at that moment.

such a sap.

although beagles are the dogs of my dreams,
i am destined to get a jack russell terrier,
which look rather similar to beagles anyway.
i'd prefer a female, but i may have to get a boy and name him hank.
maybe i'll get a beagle/jack mix and name her amanda, hank for short, heh.
i hung out with hank the other day, and he showed me a bunch of old photos.
i guess i'm really lame, but i started to cry.
this has happened several times when i've hung out with him,
but i am very good at keeping it secret, so he never sees.
it's really weird how important he is to me.
but also, old photos of people whom are important to me make me cry,
i'm not sure of the reason, except that, more than anything in the world,
i hope that those photos will be left to me if/when something were to happen to him,
and those other important people.
i asked him how i will find out if anything bad does happen to him,
and he really doesn't know. and i don't like that at all.
he's getting old, and it just worries me.
anyway, i truly love him.

i need a tape recorder and blank tapes.
i'm anxiously waiting to receive your letter.
my transcript is golden.

haven't moved this much since middle school.

the fact that i don't have a car has been extreeeeemely apparent lately.
i've been riding and walking and 'training' a lot.
really, a lot.
it seems like i've spent almost every day in the city, which is weird,
but for some reason, things always work out wonderfully,
and continuous fun stuff always comes up. and we go do it.
out of all the places where i like when faces become familiar,
san francisco is my favorite.
cafe cole is one of my new favorites there.
ritual was also really cool, i want to go again.
the grind renamed their 'carmelita' blend to 'karmelita'.
a part of me will still be there when i move, raaaad.
enrique is really rad too.
and so are burritos.
i really don't sleep much anymore.
i've been up since 6:30.
i wake up earlier every day.
i'm not sure i like it, but in theory, it's not so bad.
i've gotta' finish summer book number two today.
two books is faaaaaar far less than the number i should have read so far.

like my hair too much,
but also really wanna' cut it.
what to do, what to do.

dream jars-

a nice amount of things have happened throughout the past few days.
the first thing is that i completely lose track of time during summer,
so i think i'm starting with...friday? but maybe it was thursday.
no, it was thursday.
so thursday night, i helped out with an evening school event,
i worked a little coffee/smoothie cart for an 8th grade grad-night,
and everything about it was rad (and nostalgic for me, of course),
an 8th grade band played that included a drummer, guitarist, and bassist,
along with a waaaay cute chick singer.
the girl was so into it, and it makes me wish i did something nerdy and cute like that when i was in 8th grade,
and now, i reeeally actually want to play in an electric band,
like really.
even as the singer (which is weird for me), but ideally, i would love to learn bass or guitar (better than what i know now, heh), or i would love to include tambourine, or something fun like it.
if nothing happens over summer, i really hope there are opportunities in seattle.
i finally gave in and wrote a letter to my dad, i think i worded things perfectly, and i sent a few pictures, including a copy of an old one of him and a current one of me to show him how entirely alike we look.
i can't wait to get one back, and i'm just really hoping he understands my letter in the first place.
i have no idea how good his english is at this point.
lately there have been one too many people whom i reasonably haven't contacted in several years who have supposedly been way too interested in me and what i do throughout those years,
and i'm really beginning to feel like i have no privacy.
sometimes people are really weird with me, and i don't really understand it,
but i don't like walking into rooms knowing some people are studying my every move,
and i especially don't like hearing that they talk to people whom i barely know, but whom feel like they need to pass it on to me, about what they observe.
this isn't just one of those generalizations, where one person has done this, there have been too many, and i keep on hearing new cases, and it freaks me out.
i wish i could be left alone, and that i didn't feel like i had to delete all public links to my blogs and flickrs and other pages, and maybe just stay inside forever.
for awhile, i've been trying to read Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates by tom robbins,
but i really just had to quit about halfway through, and it makes me sad.
Still Life made me love tom robbins, but maybe he's just a little bit too silly to write a 450 page story, or maybe i just needed a different style of writing for awhile.
i switched over to rereading The BFG by roald dahl! (my childhood author).
i hadn't read it since i was probably eight or nine?
and it's an amazing book. maybe i want it to be the first bedtime story i read to the child i may never have-it has some wonderful messages.
-eat your vegetables
-use your imagination, believe in things even when you don't see them with your own eyes
-respect humanity
-dream reallyreallyreally big
-"human beans" suck
-moremoremore
as far as tattoos go, this book made me realize that i'm not really sure if i'm going to stick with my previous plan (no questions!),
although i reallyreallyreally love it, i'm going for 'superpretty' with all of my tattoos, i think,
and i don't think the things i want would turn out that way-
i may settle for something more common, like flowers, you know?
find out what certain ones mean and stuff, but we'll see.
also, i really need to start building my summer reading list quick, there are way too many authors i haven't read, way too many things about literature that i don't know,
and i really want to know.
i've sort of realized that i'm a huge geek, and like, it's a little embarassing sometimes,
but i've been trying to embrace it.
friday was a lazy morning/adventurous night type day for me.
i sat around for many hours, reading, but i was dying to sew, and i really need to go invest in a sewing machine.
maybe today, actually.
but i really wanted to make stuff, and it really sucks not being able to fulfill those kinds of urges.
around 2, i rode over to melissa's, and we made our way to the train, audrey, and san francisco.
we walked....a lot, especially around chinatown.
i haven't been there in ages, and i forgot how overcrowded and shocking and lovely it is all at the same time, i really enjoyed it actually.
we did something and nothing all the same.
we stopped at city lights, and i wished i could buy every book in the store,
that is also where i became overwhelmed with how behind i am in books.
i've been wanting to cut all of my hair off for awhile, but it's a really shaky want.
i really love having long hair just because its never been this long before,
and most of my previous short haircuts have been absolutely terrible,
but there are a couple i've found that might work, and i mightmightmight go for it.
i just don't think i have a cute enough or girly enough face for it.
i've always thought i've had a lamely masculine face, and now even moreso after seeing an old picture of my dad, who literally had my face.
i don't know, i'm stuck, but i really just want a drastic change, you know?
sorry, i realize this is a really long post.
now last night, saturday, was sososososo good.
i had work at 5:30am, but got there an hour late, and felt like a complete asshole.
i don't usually do that, but i guess 5:30am is a little extreme, even for me.
with fright, i listened to the four voicemails from my managers,
and while they sounded really upset, they also sounded genuinely worried about me,
it was a weirdlynice feeling, but made me feel even worse about oversleeping.
i even went to sleep early too...
i came home and alexis met me there around 7pm and we headed to the city.
we went to see brian! play in a basement full of many good faces.
i saw a lot of people i really like and i met a lot of people whom i would really like,
luke, bayley, jarred, and michele showed up later on and added more to our fun.
we danced our butts off (so much so that my upper-left leg is badly bruised, heh, it got a little crazy),
i introduced lex to a new cutie ;), and we both just had a really great time.
i'm sorry if i sound really weird, all of these "great times" just seem so new to me,
i went too long without them.
we hung out at brianjarredandfred's after and didn't end up leaving until a little after 4am.
it felt so good to have the energy to do that!
last month, i would not have been able to stay up past 11, if even that,
which helps me keep track of the fact that my health is improving a lot and that my happiness has gone way up.
i already know that i'm going to miss this summer so much, and san francisco, and everything so much,
and it hasn't even really started yet-i don't know if that's good or bad,
but that's exactly what i wanted, right?

i hate to say it-

but sometimes i think i am too damned level-headed and logical for my own good.

people are going to drive me nuts one day, and i really believe it.

the most important news!

of course i forgot.

but anyway, got my blink182/weezer tickets!

i am so out of tune.

yesterday was filled with a lot of people.
i'm still getting used to it somehow, but it was nice, nevertheless.
i have a stupid...face cold? ya' know, everything just happens in the facial area?
insanely stuffy nose, dumb cough, watery eyes.
all of the body heat and things made it hard to breathe, it was a struggle.
i rode my bike all day, saw loma prieta and drowning with our anchors.
headed to alex's afterward for party time, but it got shut down.
i always enjoy mingling.
i hate that food doesn't taste good without a functioning nose!
i love my morning raisin oatmeal and coffee, damnit.
my bag is so rad, i love it, and i'm really hoping it lasts for a long while.
i'm known for carrying bricks in all of my carry-ons.
my cat is sitting on my lap, as always, and it just makes me feel all warm and tingly inside.
san francisco and cafe gratitude with luke tonight!
seeing alexis and sammy this week.
i feel like there was more, but my head feels stuffed.
i keep losing my train of thought.
i did see an ex-substitute working at starbucks yesterday.
it was a little odd, but he's a youngster, and i kind of want to build a friendship with him, heh.
he gave me free things.
i don't want to be friends with him because of that, he's just a cool guy.
anyway, i'll shutup.

the bag is finished!

the above picture just shows the back, i'm not sure why it is sideways

i think i may put a pocket right there in the middle.

equipped with an inside pocket!

remember: made completely from scratch,
and i'm not going to lie, i am impressed with myself,
and quite happy with the outcome.

well anyway, i just hope it doesn't really rain today.
all i've got is my bike, and friday is funday.
and maybe i kinda wanna show off this beauty.

i like watermelon.

i finished the majority of the body of my bag today.
for my first sewing project ever done on a sewing machine, i must say it is beautiful.
i actually think i'm going to willingly spend around $300 on my own machine by the end of the month.
i tried cleaning my room today, but i seriously just have way too much.
i don't know how to throw things away.
i literally have not touched 75% of my closet (or anything in my room, for that matter) for at least one year, but i see everything and think,
"wow, this is cute, i should start wearing this more often," so i keep it, and still never wear it.
all i got through were the clothes and shoes and finding places for them.
i was exhausted from work this morning on less than five hours of sleep,
so i crashed around 2 and woke up around 5:30.
turns out i'm going to bfd with chris and haley on saturday.
i'm excited to see the yeah yeah yeahs.
i am also definitely seeing blink 182 on their reunion tour (with chris and haley).
i want more bike rides (with audrey and melissa) but rain sucks.
i want to see you in the city more, but it's just a matter of me having to find a good day to either sleep over, or just not be lazy and prepare for walking home from the train late at night.
this weekend should be fun.
i like espresso lane but miss my coworkers to death.
i haven't showered in a few days, which is a record for me.
i'm sure it will end tomorrow.
i need to pick up reading again, i want to finish my book already.
i've just enjoyed getting to sit and stare and do absolutely nothing way too much.

also.

i've come to realize that i prefer group hangouts to solo hangouts.
that way, i kill two birds with one stone, and am not stressing about seeing everyone individually,
cause it really just won't happen that way, and i've sadly accepted it, bah.

whale mountain.

yesterday was such a nice, relaxing day.
i packed my bike lock, my wallet, my keys, some carrots and a peanut butter sammich,
got on my bike and left around noon.
i rode to joann's and bought the rest of my fabric.
walked over to k-mart and browsed around. oh, k-mart.
walked over to my bank and cashed some checks, took some dollars out.
got back on my bike and rode to chain reaction, bought some spare tubes and a u-lock (finally).
rode to the station to replace my weekly water bottle and enjoyed a small lunch by myself
underneath a nice, shaded tree.
rode over to the hair cutting place to get my eyebrows waxed for the second time ever,
my european hairy-ness is beginning to show itself, bummerrrrr.
i rode back home after a good four hours and just passed out, i didn't get much sleep,
or much coffee in the morning.
i woke up just in time to turn in my final, so i went and did that, came home and made dinner.
ate lots of mangoes and dark chocolate for dessert too, yum (not yuck).
haley and i ended up ditching the bags and went to the great entertainer to shoot some pool with daniel, xavier, and bianca instead.
i've never actually played pool, but it's quite fun.
and where else would we end the night beside good ol' chuck's, right?
so that's what we did.
i got home around 12:30 and went to sleep.
i slammed my face into the door in the dark though, which hurt kind of a lot.
i was hoping for a bruise in the morning so i could make up some really 'bad' story,
but i'm also glad that it didn't actually happen, heh.
i woke up at 8 for an audiologist appointment.
being told that my hearing is perfect is some of the best news i've had in awhile.
we tried to go for the e.k.g., but of course today, of all days, it was closed for employee meetings.
mom and i went to the grind and got some coffee, and she dropped me off.
since plans changed yesterday, haley and i will be working on the bags tonight.
i'm still going to lunch with hank today, but tomorrow is now room-cleaning day.
i've felt so much healthier for the past couple of days, it's amazing.

for certain reasons, i'm supposed to be making a list of 'signs that tell me i'm in a bad place',
and when i was given the task, i figured i'd have no problem doing that-
but after graduation (which was the next day), i haven't been able to note anything.
i don't want to go empty-handed, but i just might have to, which actually feels really good.

i actually really, really, really want to start/join a band and play shows this summer.
influences: "almost crimes" by broken social scene, but more slow and mellow, or american football-esque with a boy and girl singer. i would want to play tambourine or something. but if anyone reads this, and is seriously interested, please let me know. i was initially inspired by a house show i recently went to.

i need a haircut, and i love my cat.

finished!

i finally finished my last essay. all school-related things are doooone.
that is, after i turn the essays in at 6:15 tonight.
yesterday i was all ready to ride to joann's, when i went to pump my tires,
and the pump valve on my front tire broke in half and resulted in an immediate flat.
it really sucked. like really, when the hell does that happen?
so i sat around hoping mom would get home soon, so that i could borrow her car,
(i really miss having my own, although i wish i never spent my entire bank account on it),
and when she did, i picked up haley and we drove to joann's to find that it was closed.
i always forget it's sunday when it's sunday, and it ruins most things, but in a funny way.
so i didn't get to work on my bag at all, but instead she finished the entire body of hers!
and i am ten times more excited now anyway, hers rules.
if it's ok with her, since we're being kind of secretive about it,
i'll post pictures of the finished bodies soon.
we still need straps and snaps and all of those fun things.
but anyway, it was a nice hang out-
daniel and chris were there to keep us company,
which can always mean a million different things, heh.
daniel fixed my tire for me, and taught me the basics, which was cool.
i plan to learn and understand my bike this summer,
and maybe get good enough to ride the rainy hills of seattle,
but we'll see about that. today will be a big adventure though.
too bad it's gloomy. i have to get all of the things to work on my bag tonight, which is where i'll be.

tomorrow i plan to finally tackle my room and just get everything out of there.
i haven't touched anything in it (besides some clothing) for the past year because i haven't had time,
so clearly i can live without three-quarters of my room.
i might as well just get rid of all of it.
i also plan to go hang out with hank for a bit, maybe get some lunch.
i need to get a photo of him really badly.

water rationing has begun and gm filed for bankruptcy.
i think i need to touch-up on my political knowledge, as well.
these are things i want to remember when i'm a grandma.
not to mention, everything is just scary.
it's raining in june.

my sister said:

"the one thing you need to and will eventually realize, amanda, is this:
as you grow older, nothing changes. nobody knows what the fuck they're doing.
i mean, i don't know what the fuck i'm doing.
nobody ever knows what the fuck they're doing."
and i looked downward and said yeah, i guess...
she said, "no, listen to me. take mom, for example. i know that she bums you out sometimes,
i went through it all myself, but you have to remember, she doesn't know what the fuck she's doing! think about it: we're the only kids she's ever had. not to mention she came here from another country at 21 and had to learn it all herself. you are the only 17-year-old vegan middle college graduate moving to seattle in the fall that she's ever had, do you get it? she doesn't know how to deal with that! she doesn't even know what that means."
and at that point, it hit me just how insanely wise that statement was,
and it kind of makes everything make just a little bit more sense now.
because nobody really does know what the fuck they're doing,
and i really think my life is going to be a whole lot easier from here on out.
is that lame?

yesterday i finished two out of three film essays.
i still have one left, and will either be sitting here, or riding to the library to finish soon.
i stopped by gavin's around 9 and stayed until around 10:30.
there were a lot of people there, it was overwhelming.
the most unexpected people knew about my graduation and congratulated me,
it was really cool.
you were there, and we talked for a second, and you keep reminding yourself i'm leaving,
and i don't want you to, it makes me sad.
i headed over to aquarius to meet up with michael, lex, and luke.
it was a nice little party, although we just ended up sitting in an empty theater
telling hilarious and crazy childhood stories until 1:30 in the morning.
i wish we mingled a bit more and spent some time with michael,
but he repeatedly joined in on our story time.
we hung out the night before also anyway, but he is going to portland after all,
so i wish i gave him a bigger, longer hug. but i did snap a photo.
i'm thinking it will be really cool to stop at his house in portland, if possible, when mom and i are on our final way up to seattle.
in any case, it was a nice night.

my music knowledge is sososo rusty right now, and i need to fix that this summer.

after i finish the third essay, haley and i will be continuing our d.i.y. messenger bags,
which i think are going to turn out really rad.

ps. my work schedule is confirmed! saturdays and sundays are all mine. fridays are mine after 7. the only exceptions are coming up when cathy and carlos go on vacation and they need me to manage things while they're away.

the last half of june through september means reeeal fun.

yesterday.

it was really the best way to start my summer.
i turned in my english final around 10:30am, said bye to mark,
(and look forward to hearing about his trip to brazil)!
i presume that he's definitely going to be a significant influence for me (and friend of mine) throughout the next four years, and after, of course.
i came home, picked up my bike, and rode over to melissa's.
we both talked about things we've been needing to talk about, which is always the best.
checked out a couple of lame garage sales, but can't wait for moremoremore.
i rode back home around 5:30, ate some foods, and read a little bit.
took a quick trip to savers and found some sweet shoes and a new, much-needed wallet,
which was cool, but i originally went there to find some sort of cool sweater that i didn't get.
came home, got my things together, and left for the city around 8:30.
i've said it before, but hot rod circuit never fails to make me go wild.
i rocked my butt off on my way there, but realized that i'm literally incapable of really raising my voice.
i tried to sing loudly during the necessary parts of the songs, but it just wouldn't happen.
anyway, i got to brian's and jarred's (fred's and daniel's, too) at 9, perfect timing.
luke, zoe, michele, and jarred were walking up to the house, as well.
we all went inside and i was completely, but pleasantly surprised that i knew (of) many people there.
michael t. actually did go!
i met many new and really cool personalities also.
all of the bands were lovely, and i was able to get my dance on.
sammy, vilma, sunol, and michael s. all showed up later too, which made me happy.
john and mario, also.
i would really love to and am going to spend a lot more time there-
that house and the city, in general.
i was reminded yesterday just how many of my friends live there now.
brian and i are going to write sweet tunes together, which i'm excited for.
anyway, i stayed until 2:30, i think, although i wish i didn't get so tired.
i was seriously content with who i was surrounded by at that time.
but i was surprised and happy to find my still-existing "but i'm sleepy, mary j" playlist ready to be heard in the car, which made the drive home just as lovely as the drive there.
i miss my stony days.
now i'm here, at the computer, hoping to finish my film final by tonight, so i can be free the rest of the weekend.
aquarius tonight with michael t.; he moves on mondaaay.
so happy for him, but bummed, as well.


i plan to post about what i do every single day.
i wish i could be even more specific, but naming names can always get a little bit weird.
i'm determined to have a really good record of summertimeohnine, nevertheless.

the actual graduation:

so, my two-hour middle college graduation was probably one of the happiest and most comforting days of my life.
luke, lex, bayley, katie, toby, haley, fra, and sean all showed up,
as well as my mom, sister, brother, 'god'mother, and pedro, of course.
i know others were there in spirit!
just thinking about it was nice enough, so i reallyreally thank everyone who congratulated me.
while the amount of people there ruled, it was a little overwhelming anyway ;)
but really, here i am with four bouquets of flowers, cards, balloons, and banners-
of course it's probably not the case, but i felt like i got the loudest cheers,
and i just felt extremely special and it was really nice.
my friends dominated me with love afterward, and it was so rad, and i plan to dominate them with just as much love before i go.
although i felt a little bit more spoiled than i deserved, my cheeks still hurt from smiling so big.
my speech went extremely well, and the whole ceremony was so casual and individualized that,
for the first time, i realized just how close-knit of a program middle college really was.
the teachers called us up, one by one, with something original, personal, and positive to say about each of us, and it made me tear up a bit when they called me up.
jen b. was the teacher assigned to 'presenting' me, and the two things she said that made me feel really good were that i am "truly wise beyond my years" and that she has been "more than lucky to have me as a student, and even more, as a friend."
it reallyreallyreally means a lot for her to call me a friend- i don't know,
i just feel like that's really...big?
audrey and melissa looked absolutely wonderful, and it's really cool that i graduated with them,
and can call them my friends.
i really can't describe how much i feel i would have been without if i didn't choose to go through middle college.
i looked at the ridiculous amount of pictures my brother took afterward,
and especially noticed, in the ones of me when i was giving my speech,
that you were the only person looking down, clearly having to try not to look at me, or anywhere around me.
i really just don't understand your whole situation, and i really finally think that she is disgustingly rude.
really, it makes me feel kind of sick.
tomorrow morning i'm turning in one essay, with three more short ones to go due on monday,
but research essays nevertheless.
tomorrow i also plan to go to the city and see brian! i miss him, and hopefully i can see fra again.

i can't even have a normal conversation at the moment, my mind is so consumed by way too many different things at once.

i guess this is it!

so, it's thursday, may 28, and i graduate high school,
or sophomore year in college? in all of about five hours.
i'm not feeling as happy as i should, i guess,
as i have too much to do afterwards-
my last final isn't due until monday,
so i have more than enough essays to finish before then.
we are going to dinner at kabul! a deliiish afghan restaurant
i took my mom to for mother's day, which is exciting.
my last day at american apparel was on tuesday,
but i think it will take a week or so for it to really hit me,
and i don't think i will feel so good at first,
but i hope it really does turn out to be the best decision.
after all, i did spend around the last two years of my life there
outside of school.
i sat with carlos to figure out if helping them out at the e-lane will work for me and my plans,
and it turns out that things may just fall into place-
four to five days a week, never getting off of work later than seven,
and getting the weekends off.
i rode to sean's on memorial day and hung out with a majority of the people
i've been wanting to see, and it was just...a really good feeling.
all i've been wanting is to get on my bike more and see people more,
and i've been veryveryvery slowly getting to do that-
it puts a bigger smile on my face than even i've seen in awhile.
i've gone to the doctors more times in the past couple of weeks,
with more to come,
than i feel like i've ever gone in my life.
it's really scary and makes me paranoid,
because it just feels like something is terribly wrong,
although i hope that's not the case.
seattle is only three and a half months away now,
which reallyreallyreally is not very long at all.
anyway, this is essentially my first day of freedom,
and again, i feel like it will take a minute or two to settle in with me.
my sister and i just had a really long, all-over-the-place conversation,
and it felt nice to get things off of my chest with all that has been going on.
she flew here to see me graduate, which was really nice of her.
she also brought me coffee from the grind this morning!
i feel like i should be taking this day more seriously, but anyway,
part of our conversation was about the fact that, deep down,
i reeeally want to get out there and get back into hanging out,
but i've recently realized that it's actually a lot harder than it seems.
after not being able to do much for such a long time,
it's really tough to start doing stuff again,
especially with everything i'm worrying about right now.
i just can't wait to clean things up.
i am a gigantic and messy ball of stress:
-i quit my job
-i'm graduating
-i still have finals
-i don't have a car anymore
-my room is a huuuuuuuuuge mess
-i have three doctor appointments coming up next week
-i don't even know where to begin as far as hanging out with friends goes
-i have to stay on top of college stuff
-overall, i just have to get my life together for seattle
i've also recently heard about many dude friends of mine secretly discussing
the fact that, supposedly i have sex appeal and come off as extremely date-able?
and while it feels good to hear, it also bums me out.
i realize i can come off that way,
but when it comes to someone actually acting on it,
i cower away, and refuse to show how much i really do believe i have to offer,
which is probably why no one acts on it.
i know i can be really fucking cool, and that there are a lot of cool things about me,
and as much as i wish some people could see it,
it just scares me so much to be more than a good first impression.
this is something i really need to work on before i go away.
after all, i get to be whoever the heck i want to be when i get out of here,
and i don't want to be a wall anymore.
on top of that, i'm determined to do a lot with my summer.
d.i.y. projects are a must, developing new talents comes right along with that,
reading tons of books, riding my bike and taking public transportation,
following through with all of the plans i've already made, getting my first tattoo,
going to shows, and saving money are all hopefully going to be big parts of my summer, as well.
i want to say proper goodbyes and spend the proper amount of time
with the proper people before i go.
there are just a million and one things i am thinking and worrying about and that i want to do.
i hope this "summer of growth" really turns out to be all i am picturing it to be,
but i know that i'm the one who has to make it happen.
there are really a lot of important things about me that many people have missed out on,
or just never really care to know about, and i just need to rid myself of that,
because from now on, i want you to want to really know me and be interested in the things i am,
and to care about the things that have really been affecting me-
i offer you more than that amount of respect, and i expect the same in return.
i don't hold it against you for not caring if you don't;
to me, it just means we don't have enough in common, and therefore aren't compatible,
and i'm more than ready to finally accept it when i notice it.
i'm tired of not being able to be who i want to be and talk about the things that excite me
to people who i consider my friends.
this is really and finally when i can't be so good at giving so much time to
people who shouldn't matter as much as they do to me,
and when i need to get better at giving it to the people who want and deserve it most,
and i now have a pretty good idea of who they are.
i know, i know, i've said all of this plenty of times before, but we'll see.
i don't know, 'change', 'growth', 'fun' and 'goodbye' will be the four defining words of my summer.
whoever and whatever doesn't relate to them probably won't be welcomed into it.
truth is, for once, i'm the most important thing to me,
and with that characteristic having never been in my nature,
i hope i can follow through.

here's to day one.